I’ve just hit a pause. And, oh, that pause is rich, it is deep and it is giving. Being active, busy, having a full life and stuff to do is great but we need times when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to see. A pause when we are free to just be. There can be so much richness going on inside, where it matters, when we have nothing to do!
And I am so lucky. I don’t exist in relation to anybody else. I exist only in relation to myself. Many would consider that a failing, a loss even. I can see that and sometimes feel it, but it’s also a wonderful gift. It means I find silence, stillness and space whenever I need it.
I don’t have a day job (which doesn’t mean I’m not working or busy). I don’t live with anybody or have anyone dependent upon me. Some might think me privileged (I would agree) or self-centred (yes I am, but in the most positive manner, putting one’s self first is critical in learning self-love and self-love is my personal healing journey right now. It’s only a healed self that can really give freely to others.)
My pause moment is bringing forth such treasures, the kind of learning, intuitions, understanding that doesn’t find the space to grow and form when we’re living a full life. I’m learning what needs to be acknowledged, what needs to be integrated. I’m moving forwards in my fulfilment. I’m receiving clarity and have the chance to make adjustments for my growth.
Specifically, I’m looking deeply into what has not healed from past losses and rejections, yet again, at a deeper level than before. Why it is that I desperately feel a need to be loved? I’m asking what has to heal to find that love from within myself. I know my soul is calling for a solitary path at this time in my life and I’ve ditched, rejected or removed some key people who surrounded me because their presence in my life was stopping me from loving me.
At the end of the day, we will continuously search for the love we never received in childhood from outside ourselves. We will keep looking for that love, entering numerous relationships to do so. However much we are loved in those relationships, it always comes up short and the original loss will not be assuaged. That can only be accomplished within ourselves through the love we give ourselves.
We may try to fill that hole in all sorts of ways, with love, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work. None of it will truly help, it will pull us further and further to a crisis point where we have no other recourse than to turn to ourselves. We will have no other options than to heal from inside out. And finally, we face ourselves. We go deep and embrace our inner child. We love our inner child with all our heart and all our truth and all our might. And we acknowledge, heal and integrate the wound that has never left us. We are ready to truly face it and claim it.