It’s only recently that I’ve begun to understand the extent of the trauma created during my childhood years. At the age of sixty, it’s taken me a long time to get there because part of me has diminished what happened.
I suppose I never completely accepted it was that bad. Many people have a hard life, much worse than me, so I thought I should pull myself together and get on with it, and this attitude simply invalidated my childhood experiences.
Suddenly, I seem to have reached a place where it’s safe for it all to be revealed and I can finally hold it for myself without breaking down. There have been times over the years when I did break down, not realising what was underlying the emotional pain.
I’ve never shirked from facing, head on, what I call my personal development. But I’ve been scratching the surface all this time. For any of you out there who are facing a total mess coming up from inside, or even seemingly being brought about by life and circumstances around you, which is the same thing because of the law of attraction, you may know what I mean.
It can feel like going backwards, like “what the…?!” It can feel like being broken, wondering what’s going on and what’s wrong with us. Well, there’s nothing wrong with us, we’re not special (except we are, we all are, but we’re not especially special for being messed up). We are finally finding ourselves in a place where we can begin to comprehend just how hurt we became. And not because anyone meant to hurt us, but because they were hurt themselves. And hurt people hurt others.
So much of the trauma has been stuck inside for such a long time and had nowhere to go, we haven’t got time for it, we need to get on with daily life. Therefore, a lot of that emotional wounding has no option but to manifest as physical conditions.
I am aware just how much our physical ailments are manifestations of the emotional wounds we carry. Emotional wounds need to be treated at the subconscious level because that’s where they exist. We grope about, trying to find physical solutions to our physical symptoms, the symptoms come and go like moods and what we thought was helping, suddenly isn’t anymore. Because the underlying original source is still untreated.
I’m more together now than I could have imagined. I’ve got a long way on my own merit. I’ve changed my life and brought a considerable degree of stability. And yet, that’s also allowed deeper layers to come to the surface and brought me to the awareness of just how damaged my childhood self really was.
So, I’ve decided to call in an expert in the field and get some help to clear it at this point. It pays to have somebody who can be objective and get a broader view of what’s there.
I’m really excited, I’m going to be working one on one with Jen Peters, and she’s one of the most amazing experts in the field of inner child healing. Someone who has the skills and tools, who can really validate and hold space. Someone who totally gets it because not only has she been there herself, she’s heard the same stories from others, over and over again. And she knows exactly what’s needed and how to deliver it.
I’m not alone and it makes a world of difference. Right now, it almost feels like I’m a child again and I’m being held safely in truly loving arms.
[Image: ‘Sun Breaking Through The Clouds, Isle of Wight’ photograph taken by my soul sister, Emma Bartlett]