Posted in inner child

Loving Our Inner Children

Adults of any age, twenty, forty, even ninety, can act like children sometimes.

And I don’t mean in a fun and carefree way, I mean when we’re upset.

We go back to that childhood feeling of vulnerability when we had much less resources to call on in dealing with emotional upsets.

We act like children when one of our inner children is activated.

Maybe we’re petulant, maybe we don’t listen, we shout or scream, we get tongue-tied and can’t express ourselves. Maybe we lash out, blame others, cover up and say things we’re going to regret.

We’re far from our clear thinking adult self at those times and that’s because we’re feeling hurt and back in that feeling from our childhood.

We don’t have one inner child, we have one for each wound or trauma experienced.

Most of us will have many wounded inner children, each carrying a belief such as “I’m not worthy; I’m not lovable; people can’t be trusted.”

Every time something happens to trigger one of those beliefs, the little child who suffered the original wound and created that belief comes to the surface.

Then, when we’re hurt and emotional, it’s easy to find ourselves acting like a hurt child again at such a time.

And if someone in your life is acting that way from time to time, that’s probably why.

Give them a break and give yourself a break, we all do it, unless we heal those inner children and relieve them of the burdens they are desperately trying to address.

To heal, we go within, find our inner child.

Listen to our child, really hear our child.

Acknowledge, validate, love and embrace that child,

Then, we heal and integrate our inner child into our heart space, finally letting go of what was never our burden to carry. And that’s such a beautiful thing to do.

[Image: ‘Surma Tribe Mother With Baby’ photograph by Francisco Mendoza Ruiz courtesy of Fine Art America]

Posted in healing, inner child

Möbius Loop

Have you ever wondered how it is that the person in the family that had the hardest time often ends up the most insightful, healed and spiritually aware?

It’s true for myself and several people I know, both in my wider family and outside of it, but not always so.

I think, in the end, it’s down to us. We are given adversities for a reason, they are teachers and they will fast-track us to greater fulfilment if we let them. Or maybe we’ll fall apart, or remain asleep.

I was meditating today, sending love and talking with my healed and integrated inner children.

I received understanding that I was sending loving energy to each child in the past.

Which means I was sending loving energy to myself as a child at all the most traumatic times.

I was even loving and supporting myself as a foetus in the womb, waiting to be born.

And myself as a sixty year old was present energetically at my own birth, waiting to hold my newborn self, greeting her and wrapping her up in unconditional love.

As an experience, that’s truly amazing, so precious and magical, and it’s thanks to Jen Peters’ masterful skills as a multidimensional healer and inner child guide that I get to experience it.

It’s no surprise, therefore, that I managed to survive as a child, even though I couldn’t see anybody there for me at the time.

I often felt alone and yet found resilience and strength inside, without which I don’t think I would have survived.

All the time, I was giving strength and love to my child selves from my future selves.

There’s no past, present and future, in reality, time is an illusion, it’s all happening at once.

Who you become in the future is who you always were.

Trust and believe in yourself, your best self is waiting for your invitation to step forward now.

You really are far more incredible than you might imagine.

[Image: ‘The Spark At The Heart Of Your Heart Is Timeless’ art by Amenet Drago]

Posted in Andromedans, healing, inner child, love, Personal Story

The Time is Right for Healing

Last night, I had the most amazing experience.  It was my second session with Multidimensional Healer Jen Peters.

In the first session, we spent 2 hours healing and integrating my deeply wounded inner children that were holding the trauma of chronic loneliness.  It left me feeling incredibly sleepy over the coming week as I synthesised the healing and adjusted to the trauma being dissolved from my being. 

Last night, we went back to the beginning of my life and worked with myself as a 5 month old foetus in the womb.  There were such a lot of traumatic energies that I was picking up from my birth mother, who was still a child herself at the time.  My little being was swimming in a soup of her shame, anger and despair.

But then, I also picked up a positive energy in the periphery, something that was supporting my foetal self. I didn’t know what it was, it just presented as a soft blue light.

As Jen asked me questions, I just seemed to know the answers and together, we found out so much.  We realised that my little being in the womb was wise and insightful, she had a strong soul connection and knew that this was the life she was coming down for.  She knew already that she was heading for my adoptive mother, not my womb mother.  I discovered that my soul was able to leave and return to this little one at will, which enabled a break from the dense and dissonant energies.  I discovered what a shock it was for the little one, for she had come from a place where there was only love and suddenly found herself in this harsh reality in the womb.  She sensed no love at all here, she was starving for it.  Her mother wasn’t feeling love for herself or the baby growing inside her, only hate and trauma.

Jen sensed something I have felt and been told from the inner planes for some time, that my soul is here to learn everything about love, even through understanding the lack of it.  My soul has been on that journey for many lifetimes.

As we were working together, I suddenly perceived that there was a circle of light beings surrounding myself and my womb baby and they were beaming out love. And I knew without doubt, they were my soul group and they were Andromedans.

Jen asked if they were always my soul connection or if they were beings I had been learning with. They said they were the seed and origin of my soul, but there were beings from Venus and the name Hather came up, these also have a strong connection with my soul, especially during previous lives spent in Ancient Egypt, and they were supporting my soul. Jen knew of the Hathors having a strong link with the divine mother and divine feminine energy. This made sense if they are connected to Hathor and Isis, they hold the Goddess energies. It might explain why I have a strong affinity with the divine feminine energy in this life, often making it the focus of my paintings.

The light and strength that the Andromedans flooded out towards my foetal self has always been present in my life, they told me they have always been there, even at the times when I felt completely alone. They have been the foundation of my eventual empowerment. They wanted me to know they are always with me and the love they feel for me is beyond description. Every time they told me this, tears started falling and sobs followed as I felt into the knowing that I had always been loved, after all. And not a love with limitations, an expansive, total love that my human being self can hardly fathom.

My soul group told me that my healing journey is currently the most important thing in my life. It’s preparing me for my life purpose, but they wouldn’t reveal what that purpose is yet. Jen and I got glimpses, that I am integrating the energy of divine union, getting to the core of oneness with love. This is my healing and task, to experience divine union with myself first and then… who knows?

During the session, my soul group also gave me information for healing my migraine aura symptoms. They implied that the condition was, in part, the result of receiving vibrations and frequencies that were necessary for me to receive. But now, by using sound through voice accompanied with movements, I am able to shift the energy. The vocalisation is spontaneous and is to be allowed to express freely, the movement will free up energy around my sacral and root chakras if I focus on the hips. The movement will also create vortexes alongside the sound which will reprogramme my energy. It was made clear that I didn’t need to understand this intellectually, just allow it to happen. My soul group said that when I do this, they will be with me, surrounding and supporting me, holding me with their energy. This is now a daily practice.

My healing is the one thing in my life that I need to focus on right now. If I focus on this, then everything else will naturally come into alignment too. I am beyond delighted that I invited Jen to be my multidimensional soul guide and healer. I have been fairly capable at navigating through the inner planes and receiving guidance, but together, we are creating such a powerful connection and she is the validator and mentor I needed.

Posted in darkness and light, inner child, Personal Story

Fire From Within

The other day, things got a little fiery. I was in conversation with someone who knows me well and who I love greatly when things started to get out of hand. At first, I was calm and patient but when I felt we were going around in circles and I wasn’t feeling heard, I got fierce.

Two days later, we had a conversation about it when it was said to me; “Because you do so much spiritual work, I was surprised to see all that anger in you!”

You and me both. I had to take a look at it myself.

I remember, a long time ago, someone asked me why I hold myself back and I said, “Because if I were to let go, people will get annihilated.” I really felt the rage that existed inside me but didn’t have the capacity to understand or release it at the time. It was going to have to come out at some point.

It seems I’m learning to let it go.

When we’re on the spiritual journey, there comes a time when we finally learn to embrace our love for ourselves and then we no longer tolerate what we used to accept from others. And that’s when things can get empowering.

I’ve always known that kind of power is inside me.

Like Kali, Cailleach and Ceredwen, I am fierce and capable of delivering a fatal blow to your ego. I can unleash fury like a lioness, strike like a cobra with my cutting words.

I embody the Crone, I am a cracking whip that stings but the sting won’t linger. The more I love you, the more I will honour you with my fire.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of the time, I’m kind, caring, easy going and tolerant. But lately, the deeper I go inside and the more I make space for myself, the less will I tolerate and the fiercer I am.

For some years now, I’ve been healing many traumatised, abandoned, rejected and lonely inner children of mine. I’ve been searching for them, embracing them, acknowledging and loving them, healing and integrating them back into my being, into my heart, into my whole self. Those beautiful children have suffered so much. And some are angry.

Each integrated inner child has my permission to express the entirety of their true selves through me, all the qualities that I once embodied but were knocked out of me. They brought back to life the feisty, sparky firecracker I used to be, now expressed as a grown up who’s ready to claim the full extent of her power.

No filter, no regulating dial, just full-on, absolute brutal honesty. Yes, it’s true, I’m not for everybody. And these days, I come with a warning.

Posted in healing, inner child, Personal Story

Growing Up With a Box Full of Darkness

“Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver

Are you someone who grew up having a difficult relationship with a parent? 

It can be a tough experience to grow, from womb to adulthood and beyond, trying to make sense of oneself and the world. And then add in to that a parent or parents who don’t see, hear or acknowledge that we matter, let us know that we are loved and worthy.

Worst still, maybe you lived with a parent or parents who criticised, judged, manipulated, controlled, demanded, abused, denied, hated or gaslighted. Maybe there was alcohol, drugs, absence, divorce, violence, abuse…

There are parents that aren’t able to be loving and affirming because it wasn’t there for them. It wasn’t modelled or experienced when they were growing up. They had difficulties with their own parents that led to not feeling loved or worth much. That’s not to say that a child who had a dysfunctional parent grew up to be dysfunctional themselves. Sometimes, the child becomes the healer of the entire generational family trauma. Sometimes, dysfunction is the starting point for such a journey.

Nothing said here is intended as criticism or judgement. There are few more unfortunate circumstances than a person becoming disordered in their personality because it happens during the earliest years of childhood. I feel sad for every one of us that’s subject to such a life story.

One of the most complicated labels is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A person with NPD has little or no chance of understanding or accepting that they have this disorder and even if they do, it’s almost impossible to commit to treatment that could help them unpick it, because to do so would go against the absolute need to deny their wound is there.

When an NPD parent brings up a child, undoubtedly it means that the child experiences some shocking deficits that would impact their life. They may need to walk away. Maybe they stay. Either way is difficult.

A parent with NPD would find it difficult to show genuine love, empathy, compassion or gratitude. They may say they understand you, love you or are grateful, but over time, you realise they’re hollow words that are not backed up.

Almost everything revolves around the NPD person, leads back to them and their needs, worries or affairs, although they may be skilled at making it look otherwise. Truth is, they live for drama and their life is often chaotic and complicated as they draw drama around them.

An NPD parent will usually have a charming and highly social persona so that others think they’re fun, charming people. They may be overly affectionate, a ‘talk-to-anybody’ kind of person. They are charismatic, often successful people. As their child, you will see this side being demonstrated, but not so much within the core family. The side projected towards you may be a completely different picture which is very confusing since many will see your challenging parent as a lovely person and that’s not likely to be your reality at all.

The NPD person contains and expresses an absolute sense of entitlement. Maybe they need to express how special and unique they are, maybe they become angry when they feel someone doesn’t understand or appreciate them or didn’t value their specialness, maybe they simply make things about themselves and expect others to organise their lives around them, be at their disposal.

Walking away from an NPD parent is a real consideration, sometimes it’s the only way to heal and learn to love ourselves. I didn’t.

I maintained a good distance and limited contact for many years. Eventually, I found a way to get closer, to abate the onslaught, stay calm, ignore or walk away when needed. I learned it’s of no use to try to explain things in the hope they may understand and adjust their behaviour. Totally pointless.

I love my parent and feel sad that they’re trapped by conditions that were never asked for or deserved and they don’t understand any of it. My parent created in me a pleaser and fixer from a young age but I don’t please or fix so much nowadays, thanks to inner child healing. It’s such freedom to no longer carry the drive to have to do that. I can accept other people’s journeys for what they are, including that of my parent, and focus on my own journey, the only one I have the power to change.

Do you have an NPD-type person in your life? Did you have a difficult time with a parent growing up? Are you still struggling? Have you learned to love yourself, through healing from such a dynamic? Have you understood the gifts and opportunities that are open to you? Have you found all the love you need inside yourself, so you don’t need it from your parent anymore?

If this resonates for you, my love and blessings are with you. There are many others sharing this journey, you’re not on your own. Quite often, we live for years without knowing that it’s never been about us. Then, we hear or read something and start to see the whole of our past in a new way that makes sense. It helps to understand, it’s part of the healing. There may be little we can do but understand, yet that, in itself, is the start of healing, not only for ourselves but for previous generations.

Many of us are healing now and our insights are changing the energy of the past too. We are clearing it for our parents and grandparents and their parents too. We are all healing, only some of us consciously, but that’s all it takes.

(Image: “Opening The Box” by Amenet Drago)

Posted in artistic, darkness and light, healing, inner child, love, Poetry, shadow self, transformation

Searching for Love

Is there anybody searching for love they never had?

Searching, yet, on self-destruct cos things are getting bad.

Because it’s quite a journey, not feeling worth a damn

Makes who you are feel like nothing but a sham.

Were you told no-one could love you?

‘Cos that’s just not true.

Do you know how many there are

Out there feeling just like you?

The truth is, very few know of your pain.

And very many feel exactly the same

And neither do they let their pain show,

Years of denial, taking knocks, blow by blow.

Running away through using drugs or booze or sex.

Always moving on from ex to ex to ex.

Or maybe it’s shopping or maybe it’s food,

The campaign to self-destruct is gonna get you screwed.

But always, underneath are words like poison darts

The ones that made you build defensive ramparts.

Words hiding in the back of your thoughts

That prove you’re worth nothing,

An aberration of sorts.

Well, you’re not, you’re simply caught up in a snare,

Take it from one who’s already been there.

I’m thinking back to what or who might have saved me

During the years when I wasn’t free.

Someone who’d been there, now doing fine.

Someone who knew how to draw a line.

Each journey is lonely and yet we all share

The same kind of experience, the same wear and tear.

Don’t feel resentful for things that don’t matter.

Find out who you are, let the past shatter.

Find all the love you need in your heart

‘Cos that will give you a true restart.

And don’t ever let anyone talk to you

With poison dart words that aren’t even true.

The love that will save you is the love you find inside

Let that love enrich you, it cannot be denied.

You are truly worthy, in fact, you’ve always been,

They didn’t have it in them, your soul was never seen.

But don’t let that stop you from moving on now,

You are amazing, let that be your vow.

Posted in darkness and light, healing, inner child, love

Power Play and Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be hard and that’s something coming to the fore at the moment. It’s so easy to let things slip, then it’s difficult to do a u-turn and put a boundary in place.

And we can feel confused about how to communicate what we want in the best way.

There are times we are going to upset other people and that’s okay.

Have you ever come across a bully? Most people have and where there’s a bully there’s a person or people being bullied.

Have you ever wondered what determines that one person holds all the power and another person is powerless? It’s like a silent agreement between them.

The bully has made control and power their own. The bully feels entitled and lacks empathy.

The bullied is holding victim consciousness, feels guilt and apologises for their needs.

There’s a bully in my environs and although there’s talk about how troublesome they are, people continue enabling their behaviour.

It’s a two-way dance, it takes a mutual agreement. We do have the power to change that dynamic.

The bully in my environs is sometimes confronted but then, the same old dynamic quickly returns. In this dynamic, the souls are learning about personal power, not only the one who is controlling and manipulative but those struggling to stand up for themselves, to find and uphold their boundaries and embody their sense of empowerment. And this means learning how to love, honour and respect oneself.

Are you setting and protecting your boundaries?

Are you involved in a power play with anyone?

What are you learning from them about yourself?

Does that make you feel like changing in any way?

(Image: “Goddess: Yin Yang” by Amenet Drago)

Posted in inner child, Inspiration, love

The Ebb and Flow of Relationships and Learning to Love Oneself

People come and go.

We are souls connecting with each other.

We bring gifts.

Sometimes those gifts look like trouble and sometimes they are tremendous joys.

When the soul contract we have with each other is fulfilled, we can let go of each other and sometimes it’s necessary that we do so for each other’s growth.

It can feel difficult to let go.

The most important people in our life may become strangers overnight.

Just as total strangers may become the most important people overnight.

It can hurt, and the hurt is showing us what’s missing inside ourselves.

We are learning to let go, accept change, see the movement of people through our life as a refresh.

You will find the right people for you, for each moment you exist in.

You are changing and so the people who walk alongside you will also change.

They appear in your life when you accept the flow of change.

If we once experienced rejection, whether physical or emotional, we learn to fear being rejected again.

We may push others away before they can reject us.

We may not realise we are creating conditions that will make them leave us.

Then, we say, “I knew they would leave me all along,” as we place the blame squarely with them, never realising how our own actions brought it about.

And if we are the ones that walk away, did we let them go because we were able to look after our own needs or did we reject ourselves in trying to avoid being rejected by them?

Your well-being is more important than what others think of you.

More important than making people happy or settling for an easier life.

You are more important than the expectations others have of you.

Look after yourself.

And if that means letting someone down, possibly upsetting them, don’t hesitate to be kind to you.

Let your love for yourself be stronger than your need to be loved by others.

Posted in inner child, Inspiration, love

Feeling Hurt

Epiktetos, a Greek philosopher who lived from 50AD to 135AD once said:

“Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation. You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be.“

How are we complicit when someone hurts us?

In what ways do we enable the other person to influence us thus?

Where is the hurt we feel coming from?

It cannot happen without our consent and our emotional response is the soul agreement we have with the other.

Their words or actions activate something that already exists inside us and then we feel hurt.

We created that, not them. Because we carry the potential to be hurt.

We are receiving an opportunity to perceive the hurt we are carrying.

It’s only when a belief we are carrying that isn’t true changes that the patterns change.

The belief is very old and very deep. It’s absolute and so deep we may not realise it’s there.

Hurt is the signal that alerts us to the presence of a false belief within us.

It’s our inner child that’s hurting.

What does our inner child need that’s missing?

To be loved, to be seen, to be heard, to be acknowledged, to know that they are truly worthy.

So you see, when someone hurts us it’s a gift, a chance to meet our hurt inner child and remind them they are loved, heard, seen, valued and so, so worthy.

Image: “Understanding My Hurt Feelings” by Ananda Amenet Reid

Posted in darkness and light, healing, inner child, Inspiration, love, Personal Story, The Truth of our Being

Closing Our Deep Wounds

“The role of the writer is not to say what we can all say but to say what we are unable to say.” – Anais Nin

On this website, I’ve shared a number of deep, personal truths about myself and my life from time to time. Some of those disclosures stayed with me for a while. Was it wise or foolish to speak out? I may have said I was doing it for the healing of others who may resonate with the circumstances but I was also doing it for my own healing.

I realise that what disclosure of intimate truth does is allow me to claim trauma as who I am. I claim it as me, a part of me, it’s my truth and even if it was trauma at the time, now it’s okay. Everything about it is okay, that it happened in the first place is okay.

What was hurting me was not that it happened but that it was hidden away, that what happened remained denied. That’s why I write, why I let it out the box and put my truth, my story out there in the world. And that’s me claiming myself in all my full beauty and magnificence.

When I own it, I am responsible and therefore empowered. I take full responsibility for my actions and truth. I can no longer be hurt because the hurt comes from inside me and it’s something I allow as who I am. All those emotions that weren’t love become love. Love for myself, free from needing love from an outside source. I am loving myself to freedom.

Guilt, resentment, blame, anger, sorrow, all become love. And that love becomes peace. Peace brings stillness, release, acceptance and trust. I’m accepting and healing myself once more.

It’s not an easy thing to do, to speak out about intimate, personal things we don’t normally talk about. It’s certainly not a path for everyone. There are risks and consequences.

Still, how is it that such truths remain hidden to keep the status quo? To perpetuate dysfunctions, damage and abuse? How does society condone so much silence and allow so much to be hidden? Damage is done by silence and power rests with those who ensure we never speak out. It’s uncomfortable to speak out but sometimes, essential that a voice is heard.

Abuse and dysfunction are wounds and trauma being carried from generation to generation. There are no abusers on one level, only people carrying deep wounds and pain. It’s time to let our wounds’ stories seep out so that they can be cleansed, ready for the wound to be closed for good. And if someone needs to step up, then I will speak for us all.