Posted in darkness and light, healing, inner child, Inspiration, love, Personal Story, The Truth of our Being

Closing Our Deep Wounds

“The role of the writer is not to say what we can all say but to say what we are unable to say.” – Anais Nin

On this website, I’ve shared a number of deep, personal truths about myself and my life from time to time. Some of those disclosures stayed with me for a while. Was it wise or foolish to speak out? I may have said I was doing it for the healing of others who may resonate with the circumstances but I was also doing it for my own healing.

I realise that what disclosure of intimate truth does is allow me to claim trauma as who I am. I claim it as me, a part of me, it’s my truth and even if it was trauma at the time, now it’s okay. Everything about it is okay, that it happened in the first place is okay.

What was hurting me was not that it happened but that it was hidden away, that what happened remained denied. That’s why I write, why I let it out the box and put my truth, my story out there in the world. And that’s me claiming myself in all my full beauty and magnificence.

When I own it, I am responsible and therefore empowered. I take full responsibility for my actions and truth. I can no longer be hurt because the hurt comes from inside me and it’s something I allow as who I am. All those emotions that weren’t love become love. Love for myself, free from needing love from an outside source. I am loving myself to freedom.

Guilt, resentment, blame, anger, sorrow, all become love. And that love becomes peace. Peace brings stillness, release, acceptance and trust. I’m accepting and healing myself once more.

It’s not an easy thing to do, to speak out about intimate, personal things we don’t normally talk about. It’s certainly not a path for everyone. There are risks and consequences.

Still, how is it that such truths remain hidden to keep the status quo? To perpetuate dysfunctions, damage and abuse? How does society condone so much silence and allow so much to be hidden? Damage is done by silence and power rests with those who ensure we never speak out. It’s uncomfortable to speak out but sometimes, essential that a voice is heard.

Abuse and dysfunction are wounds and trauma being carried from generation to generation. There are no abusers on one level, only people carrying deep wounds and pain. It’s time to let our wounds’ stories seep out so that they can be cleansed, ready for the wound to be closed for good. And if someone needs to step up, then I will speak for us all.

Posted in Energy healing, inner child, Soul Integration, spiritual skills and techniques

Bringing In The Soul

Last weeks’ posts were all about persona, it is, after all, a sticky subject.  If persona is strongly present, we will probably either fail to recognise it or we’ll engage in the subject big style, only to announce we got it all sorted and healed in a few short weeks, because that’s the kind of tricksy customer we’re dealing with.  Truth is, it cannot be done in a few short weeks, it’s more likely to take years of dedication and staying with the work.  For myself, I worked for a couple of years on inner child healing, only to feel I was not really getting anywhere.  Then, I received a message from my guides telling me I had to make 44 inner child healings to clear myself.  Now, that’s a lot of work and it takes time, dedication and sticking to the programme.      

Most of us were not parented without some kind of wound being transferred, because that’s the kind of world we live in.  We are the ones who are now waking up to all this, previous generations have been handing down the wounds and traumas from one generation to another without a clue.  And think of what our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents have been through in their lives, two world wars, the fear of nuclear annihilation, perhaps being immigrants, so many sexual, physical, emotional abuses that went unrecognised.  No wonder so many adults learned to be emotionally unavailable, critical, judging, and sometimes, just downright dysfunctional as parents.  They lived in a different world where so much was carried without support or recognition, so much went unheard, unseen and unacknowledged.  They are not perpetrators, they were victims themselves.  Bless them all, every one of them.  May we now find the means to heal ourselves, heal our daughters and sons and stop the ancestral wounds from being perpetuated.

The biggest hurdle with being in persona is that persona hears all this and doesn’t accept it because persona’s job is all about bigging us up, continuously feeding us the narrative that we are ‘more than’.  We want to believe we are not broken, not failing, not ‘less than’.  Persona sees this wound stuff as a deficit, a need, as being ‘less than’.  Persona is wrong about that, it’s the opposite, if we see that this is an active issue for us, then, we are ‘more than’ not ‘less than’.  We have ‘more than’ a fighting chance to become our best selves.  Whereas, as long as we stay in persona, we will keep cycling through the patterns, living from those untrue beliefs and, deep down, believing we are unworthy.  And really, everything we believe is untrue, we were always good enough, always worthy, it was never about us.   

And we must never forget, we are, through some kind of divine dichotomy, always healed, always whole, always complete and always perfect, because wherever we are, whatever circumstances we had to live through as children, whatever wounds and traumas we carry, our soul chose this life for a reason.  It’s our path, it’s perfect for who we are.  We are not trying to fix ourselves or get somewhere, we are simply continuously moving forward on the path of fulfilment.  We are already experiencing fulfilment and through increasing the love that we are, we are increasing our fulfilment, and this is a never-ending story.  We are not here to heal because we are not broken, and we will find our path in our own time, if it is the will of our soul.  And that’s where soul work comes in. 

Imagine how much more powerful we are, how empowered our life path is when we are integrated with our soul, when our soul is fully present in our body, in our lives in every moment, with all the many gifts our soul holds for us.  Such wisdom, love, power, freedom, peace.  When we are releasing the dissonance of the fears and traumas from our past and the past of our ancestral line, through our own healing, then, being as one with the entirety of our soul is as though we just super-charged ourselves and our lives.

Click the link to find out about my six session Soul Integration online workshop, coming soon.  Check it out, book your place, feel free to contact me for more information.      

Posted in inner child, Personal Story, spiritual skills and techniques

The Wound

The wound (or wounds, I’m going to call it singular but it usually isn’t) that we carry are given to us by another wounded person, usually a key intimate care giver, like a parent.  They are generally received before the age of seven when we are developing our cognitive abilities and shaping who we are and the world we live in.  The wound is generational, it came to us through a chain of abuse and nobody, nobody is to blame.  There is no blame here, only sadness and hurt and fear.  So, when we are ready to realise and start working with the wound, it helps to do so from the position that the person who gave it to us was a victim like us.  And when we heal it in ourselves, we are also healing them and everybody down the line. 

The most important point to make is that the wound has nothing to do with us, it’s not ours, never was, it is not ours to own and the same applies to the person who gave it us.  And yet, we own it, become it and express it throughout our lives, causing ourselves much pain and suffering and usually pain and suffering that we pass on to others.  Unless we realise and change things.

That we are carrying a wound is entirely acceptable for us because our soul chose this.  We chose to carry this wound so we could learn and heal.  My wound is teaching me about the nature of love, especially self-love, and I can’t learn about love from only receiving love, I need to also experience the opposite, the complete absence of love, in order to fully understand it.  I’ve been learning about the nature of love for many lives and this time, I’ve been learning from a place of scarcity.  What I have learned is that I am love.  Even when there is literally nobody in my life at all that is giving me love, showing love to me, as was the case in my childhood, I am love and there is an infinite abundance of love existing inside of me all the time.  Actually, I did see love in my childhood but it was a warped kind of love, sometimes worse than no love at all.  Sounds like a horrible thing to choose, a horrible way to learn, and it was, one that even took me to contemplate taking my life as a teenager, but I didn’t.  I was too strong, too much in touch with the love from within me.  And now I see it all, now I know and love is my foundation.  I embrace and express a beautiful love when I’m not coming from my wound.  I am learning every day to differentiate and choose love.     

One of the most profound natures of the wound is that we refuse to accept it is there.  The wound itself causes us to refuse to accept that we are wounded at all.  To be wounded would mean we are not special, not healed, not love, not perfect.  The wound wants to hide to survive and it does so by telling us both that we are all these things, and therefore not wounded, and that we are none of these things.  Deep down, sometimes only at an unconscious level, but one that seeps out into everything we are and do, we feel that we are not special, we are not love, we are not perfect, we are not healed.  But up close and consciously, we insist that we are all of those things to avoid facing the pain and hurt from our childhood trauma.  And thus, the wound hides itself and gets to live and thrive.  Actually, we are always healed, love, special and perfect, yes perfect, we are always perfect.  And the wound is never us, never who we are.   

Once we see the wound and are not afraid to admit it’s there, we can start to heal.  We are expressing the wound when we come from a place of hurt, when we are defensive, attacking, controlling, on the back foot.  We are reactive from the wound, we lash out without thinking things through.  We are emotional, we personalise, we blame. 

What happens is, something triggers our wound, it is always something that is connected to the dynamic of trauma and abuse that we experienced as a child with the person who gave it us.  Maybe we were criticised, blamed, shamed, usually many, many times, maybe every day.  Maybe we were refused love and affection, never good enough, maybe we were punished for being ourselves.  Whatever those conditions were for us, they created powerful, absolute beliefs in our tiny child mind; “I am not good enough”, “I am not lovable”, “Everybody leaves me”, “I am on my own”, “Nobody can be trusted”.  We may each be carrying many of these beliefs and each one connects to a trauma, a wound.  When we are living our life as an adult, some situation, something someone says to us suddenly triggers one of those beliefs and the voice of the wound comes out.  We express using words that came from our wounded child.  Those words and actions are not ours and we need not own them, they belong to the person who gave us the wound in the first place, it’s their voice speaking, not ours.  We never need to apologise for our words when we feel vulnerable, attacked, defensive or hurt, it’s not our voice, it’s the wound’s voice.  My calm voice that comes from my place of healing and love will never say those things to anyone.  And it’s quite a contrast, those two voices.  One can be nasty, it expresses an absence of love and the other is our loving, compassionate voice.  We’re the loving one, in case you’re not sure.  We are not the nasty voice, even though it speaks out of our mouths sometimes.  We never own it because it was foisted upon us when we were little, innocent children and it was never ours to own.  It never belonged to us, it was never for us and it was never about us.      

Neither should we have to apologise for being the recipient of such a damaging wound when we were innocent children.  Nowadays, when the wound’s voice comes out, we are quite often not aware, at least not at first, only if we have insight.  It is nothing to do with us how another person responds to our hurt voice.  The way they respond is not our problem and they don’t have to receive it.  A healthy person won’t, but we might attract someone who reflects our voice back to us so we can learn, and they will receive it.  If they do, if they feel hurt, then that hurt is already inside them, not really coming from us, our comment has triggered their wound inside them, which can be a gift to them, giving them a chance to see their hurt and find the wound and change things.  And if we receive somebody’s words and feel hurt, it is not our fault, it is the damage we carry that is our problem, not their words.  We have another opportunity to notice the voice of the wound, that our words are coming from hurt and are reactive.  We have a chance to let that go and instead, find our loving place of peace inside that is coming from healing and speak to them from there instead.  So, we can say thank you for the gift of healing, but we do not need to say sorry, for to do so is to own that which is not ours to own.

Here is a link to a healing meditation for dissolving the inner child wound.  Scroll down, you will find it at the lower half of the post. 

Posted in Inspiration, Personal Story

Transforming the Burdens of your Shadow Self

I feel a compulsion to talk about our shadow self, it feels important at this time, not only for me but for all of us.  Our shadow self isn’t our evil twin, the one who holds our negative and nasty side, we are not talking about a dark and dangerous version of ourselves.  When I talk to people about journeying to meet their shadow self, some are scared or wary.  They shouldn’t be.  Our shadow selves are in pain, they need our love and support.  They’ve been holding all the stuff we could not face whilst living our day to day life and it’s time to take some of those burdens away and transform the energy into unconditional love. 

Our shadow self exists to hold all the things we have done that we don’t feel good about, in this life and other lives.  All those transgressions, things we’re not proud of, whether actions, thoughts or feelings.  Our shadow self is also holding all the hurt and damage that others have given us, things we could not manage whilst trying to live in this world.  Maybe we were bullied, criticised, abused, traumatised.  Do you ever think, “If I look back at my life and the things I’ve been through, it’s surprising I’m as sane and healed as I am”?  Well, that’s down to your shadow self.

Today, I felt like crying and with that feeling came the thought of my shadow self, so I sat and called her, visualising her sitting back to back with me and asked her if she had any burdens she was ready to let go of.  She gave me an energy and I passed it through my entire being, not missing a molecule.  Then, I brought it in front of my face and confronted it fully.  I found that this energy was hatred and disgust for myself.  I was shocked, I had no idea that I held hatred and disgust for myself, she was holding it for me and I didn’t know.  But it was there, a part of who I am and she was carrying it, my beloved redeemer. When I thought about it later, I could see how this energy was the voice of significant others, one in particular, a voice I had let in and energised. Whether they had really felt those feelings towards me or I had assumed them, I knew I had let this energy in.  

So, I summoned the vortex of transformation and change, placed the energy inside the vortex and watched it twist and turn, doing somersaults until a heart came flying out, filled with love, which I brought into my heart chakra.  Each time I put something into that vortex, a different form of beauty and love emerges. 

I’ve got more business with my shadow self, I know she is holding a few things that I can relieve her of right now and I love her so much for all that she is, I am so grateful to her for all that she does, it’s down to me to take these burdens off her and transform them into love.           

Posted in Personal Story

Talking to my Victim Self

ME: Hello Victim. I realise you are trying really hard to speak to me and so, because I love you and care about what you have to say, I would like to give you a voice. Please tell me what you want me to know.
VICTIM: I am glad to be heard. Have you noticed how little other people care about how hard things are for us? We are struggling so much, just to be able to fit in with the world and get along with life in the way others take for granted and they don’t even seem to care. Who is here to support you? Who puts an arm around you? How often do you do that for others? It was your job to support others, you have always tried to support other people with their troubles and help them out but nobody wants to hear us when we are down and out. It makes me so upset and I feel unheard and uncared for.
ME: What about my husband? Don’t you think he really tries his hardest and makes us feel cared for? What about my dearest friend? She has supported me so much, I don’t know where I would be without her. What about my other close friend, she holds space for me whenever I need it.
There is support there for us, but don’t you think I am never going to be satisfied with anybody helping or supporting me? I look for it but I discount it, looking instead for more understanding, more reassurance. Maybe I can never feel heard enough, maybe it’s like it is with food, there’s such a big, empty hole in me, it doesn’t matter how much I eat, I never feel full up, never fill that hole. Maybe it’s the same with feeling loved and cared for, I can never fill that hole too.
VICTIM: Maybe you are right. Sometimes, though, I feel you are letting us down.
ME: Why do you feel that? What am I doing?
VICTIM: You are not hearing me, you are not loving or caring for us. You don’t seem to care about us sometimes.
ME: Victim, I’ve been thinking about us and feel as though you have been with me my whole life, literally from the cradle, maybe even before, since our birth mother didn’t want us, not even in the womb. I’ve been thinking about myself and labelling myself ‘victim’ ever since I existed in this personality, maybe even carrying the same feeling in past lives. There are a lot of reasons for doing so, chief amongst them, growing up in a family where I never felt loved whilst the other members were scapegoating me, I felt entirely alone and was only little and didn’t understand. That wasn’t a good start, you could say it set me up for life.
Victim, I’m thinking about what you bring to me, what value you give me. You give me a label that fits the experiences I had in the context of the wider social agreement of what a victim is. But that has not really helped me, it makes me a loser, someone to feel sorry for. The only one who was interested in acknowledging my victim-status, the only one who really cared was you. The Judge that lives inside me didn’t care and neither did anybody else acknowledge my victim-status. You are right, everybody is busy living their own lives and they don’t know what to do about it, even if I mention how much I’m struggling. But of course they don’t, they are not the solution, I am, that’s why the ones who have helped can show empathy and compassion but they can’t change the fact that you are still here with me, still labelling me, only I can change that.
Victim, I hear you now, loud and clear. I have known, deep down, my whole life, that I have been a victim.
But being a victim is a state of mind, it’s a choice in the end, and I don’t choose it anymore. It’s time to free you to unconditional love, it’s time you and I knew nothing but love. It’s time we no longer suffered and let go of our victim-status. We are not looking back anymore, there is only now and the future will not improve unless we stop living with the mistakes of the past, over and over again, affecting everything we do.
They are our mistakes, for feeling sorry for ourselves and the mistakes of all those that made us a victim in the first place. But we know that was never personal, they didn’t see us for who we really are. They weren’t actually interested in seeing us at all, they were far too caught up with their own lives. It was outside of our control, they didn’t want me or couldn’t handle me for their own reasons, not because of me. Or they were using me for their own needs without a concern for who I was or realising what it would do to me. It was never personal, it was never about me, they used me in that way because they didn’t know better and didn’t realise the consequences. I forgive them and I recommend you do the same for your own sake, to stop carrying this hurt. I forgive myself and I forgive you. We are all just being who we are under the only circumstances we knew how to be.
Victim, I release you now to unconditional love. Go in peace, know only love and peace now. I hear you, I thank you, I forgive you and I release you with my love.