The wound (or wounds, I’m going to call it singular but it usually isn’t) that we carry are given to us by another wounded person, usually a key intimate care giver, like a parent. They are generally received before the age of seven when we are developing our cognitive abilities and shaping who we are and the world we live in. The wound is generational, it came to us through a chain of abuse and nobody, nobody is to blame. There is no blame here, only sadness and hurt and fear. So, when we are ready to realise and start working with the wound, it helps to do so from the position that the person who gave it to us was a victim like us. And when we heal it in ourselves, we are also healing them and everybody down the line.
The most important point to make is that the wound has nothing to do with us, it’s not ours, never was, it is not ours to own and the same applies to the person who gave it us. And yet, we own it, become it and express it throughout our lives, causing ourselves much pain and suffering and usually pain and suffering that we pass on to others. Unless we realise and change things.
That we are carrying a wound is entirely acceptable for us because our soul chose this. We chose to carry this wound so we could learn and heal. My wound is teaching me about the nature of love, especially self-love, and I can’t learn about love from only receiving love, I need to also experience the opposite, the complete absence of love, in order to fully understand it. I’ve been learning about the nature of love for many lives and this time, I’ve been learning from a place of scarcity. What I have learned is that I am love. Even when there is literally nobody in my life at all that is giving me love, showing love to me, as was the case in my childhood, I am love and there is an infinite abundance of love existing inside of me all the time. Actually, I did see love in my childhood but it was a warped kind of love, sometimes worse than no love at all. Sounds like a horrible thing to choose, a horrible way to learn, and it was, one that even took me to contemplate taking my life as a teenager, but I didn’t. I was too strong, too much in touch with the love from within me. And now I see it all, now I know and love is my foundation. I embrace and express a beautiful love when I’m not coming from my wound. I am learning every day to differentiate and choose love.
One of the most profound natures of the wound is that we refuse to accept it is there. The wound itself causes us to refuse to accept that we are wounded at all. To be wounded would mean we are not special, not healed, not love, not perfect. The wound wants to hide to survive and it does so by telling us both that we are all these things, and therefore not wounded, and that we are none of these things. Deep down, sometimes only at an unconscious level, but one that seeps out into everything we are and do, we feel that we are not special, we are not love, we are not perfect, we are not healed. But up close and consciously, we insist that we are all of those things to avoid facing the pain and hurt from our childhood trauma. And thus, the wound hides itself and gets to live and thrive. Actually, we are always healed, love, special and perfect, yes perfect, we are always perfect. And the wound is never us, never who we are.
Once we see the wound and are not afraid to admit it’s there, we can start to heal. We are expressing the wound when we come from a place of hurt, when we are defensive, attacking, controlling, on the back foot. We are reactive from the wound, we lash out without thinking things through. We are emotional, we personalise, we blame.
What happens is, something triggers our wound, it is always something that is connected to the dynamic of trauma and abuse that we experienced as a child with the person who gave it us. Maybe we were criticised, blamed, shamed, usually many, many times, maybe every day. Maybe we were refused love and affection, never good enough, maybe we were punished for being ourselves. Whatever those conditions were for us, they created powerful, absolute beliefs in our tiny child mind; “I am not good enough”, “I am not lovable”, “Everybody leaves me”, “I am on my own”, “Nobody can be trusted”. We may each be carrying many of these beliefs and each one connects to a trauma, a wound. When we are living our life as an adult, some situation, something someone says to us suddenly triggers one of those beliefs and the voice of the wound comes out. We express using words that came from our wounded child. Those words and actions are not ours and we need not own them, they belong to the person who gave us the wound in the first place, it’s their voice speaking, not ours. We never need to apologise for our words when we feel vulnerable, attacked, defensive or hurt, it’s not our voice, it’s the wound’s voice. My calm voice that comes from my place of healing and love will never say those things to anyone. And it’s quite a contrast, those two voices. One can be nasty, it expresses an absence of love and the other is our loving, compassionate voice. We’re the loving one, in case you’re not sure. We are not the nasty voice, even though it speaks out of our mouths sometimes. We never own it because it was foisted upon us when we were little, innocent children and it was never ours to own. It never belonged to us, it was never for us and it was never about us.
Neither should we have to apologise for being the recipient of such a damaging wound when we were innocent children. Nowadays, when the wound’s voice comes out, we are quite often not aware, at least not at first, only if we have insight. It is nothing to do with us how another person responds to our hurt voice. The way they respond is not our problem and they don’t have to receive it. A healthy person won’t, but we might attract someone who reflects our voice back to us so we can learn, and they will receive it. If they do, if they feel hurt, then that hurt is already inside them, not really coming from us, our comment has triggered their wound inside them, which can be a gift to them, giving them a chance to see their hurt and find the wound and change things. And if we receive somebody’s words and feel hurt, it is not our fault, it is the damage we carry that is our problem, not their words. We have another opportunity to notice the voice of the wound, that our words are coming from hurt and are reactive. We have a chance to let that go and instead, find our loving place of peace inside that is coming from healing and speak to them from there instead. So, we can say thank you for the gift of healing, but we do not need to say sorry, for to do so is to own that which is not ours to own.
Here is a link to a healing meditation for dissolving the inner child wound. Scroll down, you will find it at the lower half of the post.