Posted in healing, Inspiration, love, The Truth of our Being

Spiritual Freedom

Over the years, I’ve been chasing freedom and didn’t even realise it until it found me.

It turned out, freedom was not what I expected it to be.  I expected freedom to be a ‘doing’ thing and it turned out to be a ‘being’ thing. 

Being true to myself, that’s freedom.  And that meant learning who I am and that nobody else’s opinion matters.  Freedom is what happens when bravery to live one’s truth becomes second nature and doesn’t require being brave anymore.

Freedom is trusting oneself, finding the self-worth and love you need inside yourself.  Freedom is stepping into your sovereignty and rocking your power. 

I didn’t go looking for it, I just kept following my in-built instinct towards fulfilment.  And that meant taking down my walls and opening my heart, whatever the risks.  I thought I was protecting myself from the outside world but what I found was, until I did that, I couldn’t learn to love myself.

Freedom meant making some big decisions to change and acting from a place of love whilst surfing on the crest of the universal energies that guided me towards a new me.

It’s supreme liberation and it’s so empowering and enriching.  Spiritual freedom is such a glorious superpower to have.

Posted in Personal Story

This Is Me

Of late, I’ve been pondering the subject of being our truth. There’s a reason this has been on my mind lately. There’s something that only a tiny handful of people know about me, something I’ve hidden from the world throughout my life. I hid it because I thought it was me being inferior, turned out it has labels. I have specific learning difficulties, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and attention deficit disorder.

It’s time to be open with all of who I am and embrace even those parts of me that I’ve spent a lifetime covering up. That’s a form of lying about myself.

Some might say we all have a bit of something or other we’re not good with, that’s true, we’re all on the spectrum, but that’s to diminish the extent of this for people who carry these labels. And I know it’s just labels, but when your entire life is carrying an undercurrent of your limitations, of not understanding why you’re always on the backfoot, when it travels with you through schooling, in your parents attitudes towards you and their judgement of you as a person, through working environments, through relationships and friendships, never feeling good enough, never capable of keeping up, then, it’s a different matter and those labels are answers to “what’s wrong with me? Why am I different?”

In a nutshell, I’m slow, slower than most. I can’t make decisions so easily, can’t think quickly, can’t join in conversations too well either. I’m slow at thinking, slow at moving and slow at speaking. I thought I’d done a pretty good job at hiding it on the whole, but now, I’m beginning to question that, people may have been wondering what was wrong with me all along.

None of this has affected my intelligence, my gifts or talents, there, I have been amply blessed. I’m accomplished with artistic and writing skills, for instance. My intellect has been good enough for an honours degree and two post-grads, one making me an art teacher and the other a psychological therapist, it was a close call but I managed to scrape through each time. I’ve worked in some high powered jobs but paid the price for it, before too long I was struggling to the extent of making myself ill and eventually had to leave the job, making my excuses. But, you can say this about people who have these conditions, we make very good problem solvers, we are resourceful and have great determination, these are the gifts that are given.

Few see the deficits I carefully disguise or hide away from sight, only my husband and family see the full extent, slowness and poor attention in conversations and tasks, because it takes being with me over longer periods of time when it becomes impossible to disguise as a bad day. Only they see all the speech errors, the clumsiness, how unfocused and inattentive I can be.

My loving husband has looked after me for the last 38 years and we had a conversation about it recently. We were talking about our imminent separation. He said he’s worried about me keeping myself safe. He’s always expected me to have a nasty accident when I go out alone, knowing how unfocused and clumsy I am, he’s hyper-anxious and surprised every time I come home alive. He said he gives me a month of survival after we split up, mostly tongue in cheek, but there’s an underlying concern we both see. He’s not the only one, my family are worried, my brother even suggested I move to Dubai to live near him.

I’m telling them how important it is for me to be on my own, standing on my own two feet, able to finally, for once, do everything at my own pace, in my own way, without feeling inadequate, inferior, a failure. Without feeling judged and without feeling a burden. Because everybody else and the world marches to a different tune to me and I can’t keep up, don’t want to, haven’t got the energy anymore. Cut me loose, I say. Time for me being me.

I need to be honest with myself about my limitations, no matter about anybody else, this is about me being me, for me. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of hiding and covering for myself, it’s exhausting. I’m ready to stop all that and unashamedly say, “This is me, this is who I am. I am not going pretend anymore. I am not going to hold back when I tell you I don’t understand you, I am not going to move at your pace anymore. I am not going to get more than two things done a day and that’s the way it is. Suck it up.”

I’m not ashamed of who I am, I see that even such so-called disabilities have been a blessing that has made me a better person. I don’t have regrets nor do I feel in any way sorry for myself. I don’t feel inferior anymore. I know how awesome I am and am not afraid to say so. I am grateful, but maybe it’s time to show other people what I can do without them. As for these differences, maybe there’s nothing wrong with me, perhaps everybody else would do better to slow down to my pace. But that’s up to them. For myself, I own it now, I understand it. There will be no more excuses, no more lies. This is me.

Posted in Inspiration, Personal Story

Speaking Our Truth

Today, I am bringing to mind speaking our truth, opening our voice and not swallowing our words.  This subject seems pertinent because last night, the Oprah interview with Harry and Meghan was broadcast in the UK on International Women’s Day, which seemed relevant.  It brought to my mind a number of key issues about the enormity of speaking our truth, how fundamentally difficult that can be and how many fear factors can be stacked up against us, and sometimes the fear factors include that if we don’t speak the truth, new fears are going to be realised.  So, it’s a big issue.

For me personally, it’s only in the last few years that I have found myself able to recognise who I am, enough to know what my truth is and what is the truth of my words.  Partly, I have stuffed it down so deeply in terms of my childhood wounds and traumas that I haven’t been able to value myself enough to even know who I am or what my truth is.  Part of that has been that I haven’t had the permission, as a child, to have a truth, or have a ‘self’, even.  And it’s taken a lot of my adult life to come to the point where I’ve been able to understand and access my truth and find out who I am. 

There have been times when I haven’t been truthful about my boundaries, my needs or myself, because of my fears of other people’s judgements, of what others will say, that I would be incapable of managing the assumed or perceived rejection and the assumed or perceived criticism or judgment. 

Criticism and rejection have been two of the biggest themes of my childhood, into my adult life, because I’ve continued to be held hostage by those traumas and their underlying beliefs, developed at a very young age, including the behaviours I adopted or sought refuge with because of them.  So, knowing what my truth is and speaking my truth has been a big issue for me. 

These days, it’s not a problem, I have now voiced many truths that have been huge in my world and would have previously been impossible, but now they are said with freedom and power.  Some recent examples have been changing my name, telling my mother about my tattoo, something I would have previously hidden rather than face the judgement and criticism.  Another situation is deciding to leave my husband, a big one that I wouldn’t previously have been able to follow through.  All sorts of truths are surfacing in my life now because I have a completely different attitude about who I am.  I haven’t set out to increase the personal power that has given me the strength to uncover and declare my truth, it’s more that it’s unfolded as a part of my spiritual journey, a journey that’s another testament to stepping into my truth and speaking from it. 

I do feel that what Harry and Meghan have unleashed through their interview is to model for many the power of speaking one’s truth and how the value of doing so is much greater than all of the fears and consequences.  For them in particular, they are public figures, they are a part of the British monarchy which some might say is notoriously stuffed down in its truth. 

It’s never wise  to sit on our truth or be more concerned about the look of things, how we will be perceived and judged, those are not the kind of values we should be living by.  Meghan and Harry have blown that out of the water.  They have made themselves targets for being judged, everybody feels they now have a right to have an opinion about all they’ve said.  Personally, I don’t feel inclined towards an opinion, or to judge or question whether or not their words are ‘The Truth’, I don’t think there is a ‘The Truth’ in this or any situation because we’re humans, we all have a filter, every single one of us has a filter and therefore, we can only ever experience our truth, only ever represent our truth, only ever validate our truth, and not the truth.

What Harry and Meghan have done is validated their truth.  It doesn’t mean that the Royal Institution or other members of their family who may wish to have a say in the truth that Harry and Meghan have expressed, that they would or wouldn’t agree with it, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is it’s the truth as they perceive it, and therefore it’s validated, and that’s the case for all of us. 

When we express our truth, it doesn’t matter whether anybody judges or has a different view of the situation, they will do, we all see things from our own perspective and we’re probably never going to be able to fix an objective ‘Truth’, even though that’s what’s attempted in courts of law, I don’t think it’s ever really achieved.  We don’t have to do that, we can just acknowledge each other’s truth, even when it’s different from our own.  In family situations where resolution is taking place, if we uncover, by speaking our truth, that other members of the family see things from a different view, that truth can be accepted, allowed for and encompassed into the whole.  Bringing everything out into the open, speaking from each person’s perspective and viewing the full picture can be illuminating and healing.  To get to that healing place, it first has to come out, even though that can be terrifying. Let’s not be fearful of speaking from our true voice.

Posted in Inspiration

Dancing To Your Own Rhythm

How do you live your daily life?  Do you eat at the same time every day, go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time, keep to rigid systems?  You do?  Does it suit you?  It does?  Then, this post is not for you.

This is for the wild ones who live to their own rhythm.  If you are one of those, you eat when you are hungry, you sleep when you are tired, you don’t care for society’s expectations or those of your friends and family.  You don’t listen to other people telling you what to do or when to do it. You are your own person and you know how to live in your power and personal liberty. 

Each of us has our own unique inner rhythm and it drives us through life, it is the life force.  Let it speak, let it express as it chooses, don’t fight it and you will know freedom and joy. 

By the same token, you know when to act and when to wait.  You know when to speak and when to remain silent.  And if you don’t, you are not listening to your inner voice.  You know when to bring out your cheeky monkey and when it is time to be serious.  You know when to play and when to work.  You know when to dance and when to sit in stillness and silence.  You know what your body needs to eat as well as when to eat it.  You listen to your body because it knows and is talking to you all the time.  You don’t try to fight against your natural rhythms.   

To be this person, you are open to trusting yourself.  You are intuitive and able to tap into your animalistic instinct.  You are empowered and choose your life, your way.  You know how to love yourself.  You know that to do so is the only way to honour yourself.