Posted in inner child

Loving Our Inner Children

Adults of any age, twenty, forty, even ninety, can act like children sometimes.

And I don’t mean in a fun and carefree way, I mean when we’re upset.

We go back to that childhood feeling of vulnerability when we had much less resources to call on in dealing with emotional upsets.

We act like children when one of our inner children is activated.

Maybe we’re petulant, maybe we don’t listen, we shout or scream, we get tongue-tied and can’t express ourselves. Maybe we lash out, blame others, cover up and say things we’re going to regret.

We’re far from our clear thinking adult self at those times and that’s because we’re feeling hurt and back in that feeling from our childhood.

We don’t have one inner child, we have one for each wound or trauma experienced.

Most of us will have many wounded inner children, each carrying a belief such as “I’m not worthy; I’m not lovable; people can’t be trusted.”

Every time something happens to trigger one of those beliefs, the little child who suffered the original wound and created that belief comes to the surface.

Then, when we’re hurt and emotional, it’s easy to find ourselves acting like a hurt child again at such a time.

And if someone in your life is acting that way from time to time, that’s probably why.

Give them a break and give yourself a break, we all do it, unless we heal those inner children and relieve them of the burdens they are desperately trying to address.

To heal, we go within, find our inner child.

Listen to our child, really hear our child.

Acknowledge, validate, love and embrace that child,

Then, we heal and integrate our inner child into our heart space, finally letting go of what was never our burden to carry. And that’s such a beautiful thing to do.

[Image: ‘Surma Tribe Mother With Baby’ photograph by Francisco Mendoza Ruiz courtesy of Fine Art America]

Posted in ancestors, Personal Story

Ancestors

This is a photo of Alfred Elgar and Annie Jackson on their wedding day. They are my paternal grandparents.

I don’t know what year it is or who any of the other people are. The picture is a postcard, made out of a wedding photo and it was sent to Aunt Polly, Annie’s oldest sister.

I keep this picture on my mantelpiece to remind me of my ancestors every day.

Do you ever come across old photos like this of your ancestors?

Who do you count as your ancestors?

I was adopted, so my grandparents don’t share DNA with me, but we do share memories and we are family, the only family I have known.

I have often felt my grandfather looking out for me after he left this world for the next. When he was alive, he was a profound presence in my life, I really looked up to him and respected him, more so than anyone else. Even from my little girl perspective, I felt very much that he was a man with a big heart, a wise and kind man. In spite of this, I can’t think of a single person in my extended family who knew how to show love or express their emotions to any meaningful degree, and I don’t think my grandfather really saw me or understood me in the way I hoped either, not until after he passed on. Then, I guess he had a better view of me and my life and he started to take a special interest in supporting my journey.

I trust he can see the work I’m doing to uncover and heal the generational traumas in our family. Thank you, Grandpa, I feel you with me.

[Image: ‘Photo postcard of the wedding of Alfred Elgar and Annie Jackson’ by Turner & Co., Small Heath Studio, 7 Whitmore Road, Birmingham]

Posted in healing, inner child

Möbius Loop

Have you ever wondered how it is that the person in the family that had the hardest time often ends up the most insightful, healed and spiritually aware?

It’s true for myself and several people I know, both in my wider family and outside of it, but not always so.

I think, in the end, it’s down to us. We are given adversities for a reason, they are teachers and they will fast-track us to greater fulfilment if we let them. Or maybe we’ll fall apart, or remain asleep.

I was meditating today, sending love and talking with my healed and integrated inner children.

I received understanding that I was sending loving energy to each child in the past.

Which means I was sending loving energy to myself as a child at all the most traumatic times.

I was even loving and supporting myself as a foetus in the womb, waiting to be born.

And myself as a sixty year old was present energetically at my own birth, waiting to hold my newborn self, greeting her and wrapping her up in unconditional love.

As an experience, that’s truly amazing, so precious and magical, and it’s thanks to Jen Peters’ masterful skills as a multidimensional healer and inner child guide that I get to experience it.

It’s no surprise, therefore, that I managed to survive as a child, even though I couldn’t see anybody there for me at the time.

I often felt alone and yet found resilience and strength inside, without which I don’t think I would have survived.

All the time, I was giving strength and love to my child selves from my future selves.

There’s no past, present and future, in reality, time is an illusion, it’s all happening at once.

Who you become in the future is who you always were.

Trust and believe in yourself, your best self is waiting for your invitation to step forward now.

You really are far more incredible than you might imagine.

[Image: ‘The Spark At The Heart Of Your Heart Is Timeless’ art by Amenet Drago]

Posted in Andromedans, healing, inner child, love, Personal Story

The Time is Right for Healing

Last night, I had the most amazing experience.  It was my second session with Multidimensional Healer Jen Peters.

In the first session, we spent 2 hours healing and integrating my deeply wounded inner children that were holding the trauma of chronic loneliness.  It left me feeling incredibly sleepy over the coming week as I synthesised the healing and adjusted to the trauma being dissolved from my being. 

Last night, we went back to the beginning of my life and worked with myself as a 5 month old foetus in the womb.  There were such a lot of traumatic energies that I was picking up from my birth mother, who was still a child herself at the time.  My little being was swimming in a soup of her shame, anger and despair.

But then, I also picked up a positive energy in the periphery, something that was supporting my foetal self. I didn’t know what it was, it just presented as a soft blue light.

As Jen asked me questions, I just seemed to know the answers and together, we found out so much.  We realised that my little being in the womb was wise and insightful, she had a strong soul connection and knew that this was the life she was coming down for.  She knew already that she was heading for my adoptive mother, not my womb mother.  I discovered that my soul was able to leave and return to this little one at will, which enabled a break from the dense and dissonant energies.  I discovered what a shock it was for the little one, for she had come from a place where there was only love and suddenly found herself in this harsh reality in the womb.  She sensed no love at all here, she was starving for it.  Her mother wasn’t feeling love for herself or the baby growing inside her, only hate and trauma.

Jen sensed something I have felt and been told from the inner planes for some time, that my soul is here to learn everything about love, even through understanding the lack of it.  My soul has been on that journey for many lifetimes.

As we were working together, I suddenly perceived that there was a circle of light beings surrounding myself and my womb baby and they were beaming out love. And I knew without doubt, they were my soul group and they were Andromedans.

Jen asked if they were always my soul connection or if they were beings I had been learning with. They said they were the seed and origin of my soul, but there were beings from Venus and the name Hather came up, these also have a strong connection with my soul, especially during previous lives spent in Ancient Egypt, and they were supporting my soul. Jen knew of the Hathors having a strong link with the divine mother and divine feminine energy. This made sense if they are connected to Hathor and Isis, they hold the Goddess energies. It might explain why I have a strong affinity with the divine feminine energy in this life, often making it the focus of my paintings.

The light and strength that the Andromedans flooded out towards my foetal self has always been present in my life, they told me they have always been there, even at the times when I felt completely alone. They have been the foundation of my eventual empowerment. They wanted me to know they are always with me and the love they feel for me is beyond description. Every time they told me this, tears started falling and sobs followed as I felt into the knowing that I had always been loved, after all. And not a love with limitations, an expansive, total love that my human being self can hardly fathom.

My soul group told me that my healing journey is currently the most important thing in my life. It’s preparing me for my life purpose, but they wouldn’t reveal what that purpose is yet. Jen and I got glimpses, that I am integrating the energy of divine union, getting to the core of oneness with love. This is my healing and task, to experience divine union with myself first and then… who knows?

During the session, my soul group also gave me information for healing my migraine aura symptoms. They implied that the condition was, in part, the result of receiving vibrations and frequencies that were necessary for me to receive. But now, by using sound through voice accompanied with movements, I am able to shift the energy. The vocalisation is spontaneous and is to be allowed to express freely, the movement will free up energy around my sacral and root chakras if I focus on the hips. The movement will also create vortexes alongside the sound which will reprogramme my energy. It was made clear that I didn’t need to understand this intellectually, just allow it to happen. My soul group said that when I do this, they will be with me, surrounding and supporting me, holding me with their energy. This is now a daily practice.

My healing is the one thing in my life that I need to focus on right now. If I focus on this, then everything else will naturally come into alignment too. I am beyond delighted that I invited Jen to be my multidimensional soul guide and healer. I have been fairly capable at navigating through the inner planes and receiving guidance, but together, we are creating such a powerful connection and she is the validator and mentor I needed.

Posted in darkness and light, Inspiration, Personal Story

When We Are Free

I’ve just been through another dark night of the soul.

I’ve been through them before, ones that lasted days, weeks, months, even years.

The intensity of my darkest night only lasted 24 hours but the ongoing situation is much longer.

My dark night was intense, powerful, transformational and illuminating.

As I reflect back, I notice how much stronger I’ve become and how quickly I turned it around.

I can see how necessary and useful it was.

It came about because of a situation that many go through.

We reach a certain age when our widowed, aged parent is no longer coping.

Somebody needs to step up.

Maybe we’re the only one who can or will do that.

We do our best to make sure our vulnerable parent is looked after, helped to find their best life, a life where they’re safe, loved, happy and able to live every day with the best quality of life available to them.

We explain all the options and make sure there are choices.

Maybe that parent cannot make the decisions we think are best for them.

Maybe they are choosing what is neither safe nor wise anymore.

Maybe it’s difficult because of dementia, mental health, or simply a stubborn disposition.

Maybe the parent has all those things going on.

Maybe there comes a time when we have to make tough decisions for them, just to keep them safe.

Maybe we place ourselves in the firing line to do it.

Maybe we’re the only one prepared to act according to their best interests and that makes us the villain, at least in the eyes of our parent.

Maybe we spent the last few decades knowing this time would eventually come and always wondered what it would be like, how we’d cope, how our parent would be.

If we’re unlucky, maybe our parent will turn against us.

We may falter. We may take it personally, who wouldn’t?

We may be criticised, blamed, accused, when all we’re trying to do is the best thing that can be done.

And perhaps our childhood selves will come to the fore because this is the parent our inner child remembers.

The one who criticised, blamed and didn’t know how to love us.

And if it happens like this, it’s not a bad thing.

If we go through this dark night, we face truth once more, seeing new light, allowing more feelings to be released.

We are cleansed further.

We are not the same as our childhood selves,

We have gathered many resources along the way.

We have learnt how to be our own parent.

This time, we are different.

We are not looking for anything from our parent now.

We are not needing anything now.

We find it inside.

We are free.

If we are by their side at all, let it not be because we have to be but because we choose to be.

Even when it’s the hardest thing to be there.

Even if we keep getting slapped in the face.

Even when they spit hateful words at us.

Or spread them about us behind our back.

Or when we see our parent is showering our sibling with loving words that we don’t receive, even though they make excuses and don’t show up for them.

We choose to forgive.

Forgive ourselves and forgive our parent.

Because we are free.

And they, bless their soul, are not.

[lmage: Owl heart reflection photograph by aol.co.uk]

Posted in Energy healing, Personal Story

Holding Me in Arms of Love

It’s only recently that I’ve begun to understand the extent of the trauma created during my childhood years. At the age of sixty, it’s taken me a long time to get there because part of me has diminished what happened.

I suppose I never completely accepted it was that bad. Many people have a hard life, much worse than me, so I thought I should pull myself together and get on with it, and this attitude simply invalidated my childhood experiences.

Suddenly, I seem to have reached a place where it’s safe for it all to be revealed and I can finally hold it for myself without breaking down. There have been times over the years when I did break down, not realising what was underlying the emotional pain.

I’ve never shirked from facing, head on, what I call my personal development.  But I’ve been scratching the surface all this time.  For any of you out there who are facing a total mess coming up from inside, or even seemingly being brought about by life and circumstances around you, which is the same thing because of the law of attraction, you may know what I mean. 

It can feel like going backwards, like “what the…?!” It can feel like being broken, wondering what’s going on and what’s wrong with us. Well, there’s nothing wrong with us, we’re not special (except we are, we all are, but we’re not especially special for being messed up). We are finally finding ourselves in a place where we can begin to comprehend just how hurt we became. And not because anyone meant to hurt us, but because they were hurt themselves. And hurt people hurt others.

So much of the trauma has been stuck inside for such a long time and had nowhere to go, we haven’t got time for it, we need to get on with daily life. Therefore, a lot of that emotional wounding has no option but to manifest as physical conditions.

I am aware just how much our physical ailments are manifestations of the emotional wounds we carry. Emotional wounds need to be treated at the subconscious level because that’s where they exist. We grope about, trying to find physical solutions to our physical symptoms, the symptoms come and go like moods and what we thought was helping, suddenly isn’t anymore. Because the underlying original source is still untreated.

I’m more together now than I could have imagined. I’ve got a long way on my own merit. I’ve changed my life and brought a considerable degree of stability. And yet, that’s also allowed deeper layers to come to the surface and brought me to the awareness of just how damaged my childhood self really was.

So, I’ve decided to call in an expert in the field and get some help to clear it at this point. It pays to have somebody who can be objective and get a broader view of what’s there.

I’m really excited, I’m going to be working one on one with Jen Peters, and she’s one of the most amazing experts in the field of inner child healing. Someone who has the skills and tools, who can really validate and hold space. Someone who totally gets it because not only has she been there herself, she’s heard the same stories from others, over and over again. And she knows exactly what’s needed and how to deliver it.

I’m not alone and it makes a world of difference. Right now, it almost feels like I’m a child again and I’m being held safely in truly loving arms.

[Image: ‘Sun Breaking Through The Clouds, Isle of Wight’ photograph taken by my soul sister, Emma Bartlett]       

Posted in darkness and light, Energy healing

Working With Anger

Recently, I wrote about a situation where my anger was coming out and being expressed, in a post called ‘Fire From Within’. I decided to do some work with my anger and just at that moment, specific guidance appeared to help. Not for the first time, exactly what was needed materialised at the right moment.

So it was, I sat with my anger and, asking for clarification, realised it emanated from injustices perceived as a small child. These were experiences of being bullied and traumatised by others. My little self didn’t know why I was being attacked, but had the sense to realise it wasn’t fair. The initiator of my current anger, held within for many years, was my childhood self who didn’t have a voice and was still feeling neither seen or heard.

Anger, albeit internalised, was my lifeline. Anger carries a lot of power and energy, it became my strength and salvation. It meant I was a fighter and survivor. I didn’t give up, I always believed in myself deep down and held the power to eventually cultivate inner love for myself. As a child, I learnt to hide my power, because if expressed, I was punished, but it was still there, defiantly lying dormant within.

When I recently started exploring my anger, I called in a white healing light and was bathed in unconditional love that allowed me to see my anger differently. I saw how it was only because of experiencing injustices that I experienced anger, and it was due to experiencing anger that I experienced my creative power. And when the illusion of anger subsided, I saw that my power was love, unconditional love.

With this unconditional love, which bathed me completely, I saw myself emanating a great cloud of soft pink love towards all those who I had received injustice from. I perceived that I loved them unconditionally. There was nothing there but love, I was nothing but love.

This power of unconditional love has become my foundation. From this foundation, I create. I feel strongly called to make paintings whilst coming from and holding this powerful pink light of unconditional love, so that the canvases themselves hold and convey this love towards all who gaze upon them. The energy is a softness, a flow, it is union, divine unity expressed creatively. Maybe the paintings can help others dissolve their anger and release the power of their creativity.

Anger is an expression of fear and yet, anger can be very powerful, creative and valuable but we must not let that anger become stuck, it must flow as we allow it to be expressed. Every energy we think of as negative is there for a purpose and that purpose brings more love and light into our hearts, if we let it.

Imagine that your base chakra is a red colour.

When you take your awareness into your base chakra and ask if there’s anger there, what do you learn?

What do you learn when you sit with your anger? Stay with it for a while.

Now call in white healing light and see it turn pink when it merges with the red inside your base chakra. This pink colour is unconditional love, let it bathe your root chakra and transform your anger.

Stay with the energy as the pink light dissolves away the illusions of all your anger and allows you to see, with clear understanding, the original source of your anger.

Notice that your new understanding is transforming into the resolution you need, whether it’s the need to forgive, to embrace peace, to love yourself more, to let go, to open up, whatever it is for you.

Know that the anger has now been released and yet, the creative power and force that underlies it will continue to flow from your base chakra and become your foundation, from which you can create anything and everything you could imagine.

[Image: ‘Phoenix Nest’ art by Amenet Drago]

Posted in healing, The Truth of our Being, transformation

Being Authentic

Over the years, there have been times when persons have judged me as coming up short in their estimations. It happens, perhaps it’s happened to you. I’ve always had a good radar for reading people but I could read myself too and knew where they were coming from.

I didn’t know what was missing in me that made me express myself in a limited way.

Now I understand, I grew up a traumatised person and consequently, was not able to be authentic. It took me a while to recognise that and longer to change.

Authenticity isn’t something we do, only be.

People can only be where they are on their life journey and that’s okay, but that’s not necessarily the entirety of the ‘who’ of us. Because the truth of our being unfolds.

We are all in a process of movement through fulfilment.

So, let’s give people a chance, let them in a little more. Give others room to grow. Let’s do that for ourselves too.

We are often struggling with each other, with ourselves, learning to love, to trust, to open our hearts.

Being authentic is the easiest thing in the world when you’re ready for it, until then, it can be the hardest thing to find. But it’s there, deep inside, it’s always there. Like a diamond waiting to be revealed.

[Image: ‘Sunset over the estuary from Burry Port’ photograph by Amenet Drago]

Posted in darkness and light, inner child, Personal Story

Fire From Within

The other day, things got a little fiery. I was in conversation with someone who knows me well and who I love greatly when things started to get out of hand. At first, I was calm and patient but when I felt we were going around in circles and I wasn’t feeling heard, I got fierce.

Two days later, we had a conversation about it when it was said to me; “Because you do so much spiritual work, I was surprised to see all that anger in you!”

You and me both. I had to take a look at it myself.

I remember, a long time ago, someone asked me why I hold myself back and I said, “Because if I were to let go, people will get annihilated.” I really felt the rage that existed inside me but didn’t have the capacity to understand or release it at the time. It was going to have to come out at some point.

It seems I’m learning to let it go.

When we’re on the spiritual journey, there comes a time when we finally learn to embrace our love for ourselves and then we no longer tolerate what we used to accept from others. And that’s when things can get empowering.

I’ve always known that kind of power is inside me.

Like Kali, Cailleach and Ceredwen, I am fierce and capable of delivering a fatal blow to your ego. I can unleash fury like a lioness, strike like a cobra with my cutting words.

I embody the Crone, I am a cracking whip that stings but the sting won’t linger. The more I love you, the more I will honour you with my fire.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of the time, I’m kind, caring, easy going and tolerant. But lately, the deeper I go inside and the more I make space for myself, the less will I tolerate and the fiercer I am.

For some years now, I’ve been healing many traumatised, abandoned, rejected and lonely inner children of mine. I’ve been searching for them, embracing them, acknowledging and loving them, healing and integrating them back into my being, into my heart, into my whole self. Those beautiful children have suffered so much. And some are angry.

Each integrated inner child has my permission to express the entirety of their true selves through me, all the qualities that I once embodied but were knocked out of me. They brought back to life the feisty, sparky firecracker I used to be, now expressed as a grown up who’s ready to claim the full extent of her power.

No filter, no regulating dial, just full-on, absolute brutal honesty. Yes, it’s true, I’m not for everybody. And these days, I come with a warning.

Posted in healing, inner child, Personal Story

Growing Up With a Box Full of Darkness

“Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver

Are you someone who grew up having a difficult relationship with a parent? 

It can be a tough experience to grow, from womb to adulthood and beyond, trying to make sense of oneself and the world. And then add in to that a parent or parents who don’t see, hear or acknowledge that we matter, let us know that we are loved and worthy.

Worst still, maybe you lived with a parent or parents who criticised, judged, manipulated, controlled, demanded, abused, denied, hated or gaslighted. Maybe there was alcohol, drugs, absence, divorce, violence, abuse…

There are parents that aren’t able to be loving and affirming because it wasn’t there for them. It wasn’t modelled or experienced when they were growing up. They had difficulties with their own parents that led to not feeling loved or worth much. That’s not to say that a child who had a dysfunctional parent grew up to be dysfunctional themselves. Sometimes, the child becomes the healer of the entire generational family trauma. Sometimes, dysfunction is the starting point for such a journey.

Nothing said here is intended as criticism or judgement. There are few more unfortunate circumstances than a person becoming disordered in their personality because it happens during the earliest years of childhood. I feel sad for every one of us that’s subject to such a life story.

One of the most complicated labels is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A person with NPD has little or no chance of understanding or accepting that they have this disorder and even if they do, it’s almost impossible to commit to treatment that could help them unpick it, because to do so would go against the absolute need to deny their wound is there.

When an NPD parent brings up a child, undoubtedly it means that the child experiences some shocking deficits that would impact their life. They may need to walk away. Maybe they stay. Either way is difficult.

A parent with NPD would find it difficult to show genuine love, empathy, compassion or gratitude. They may say they understand you, love you or are grateful, but over time, you realise they’re hollow words that are not backed up.

Almost everything revolves around the NPD person, leads back to them and their needs, worries or affairs, although they may be skilled at making it look otherwise. Truth is, they live for drama and their life is often chaotic and complicated as they draw drama around them.

An NPD parent will usually have a charming and highly social persona so that others think they’re fun, charming people. They may be overly affectionate, a ‘talk-to-anybody’ kind of person. They are charismatic, often successful people. As their child, you will see this side being demonstrated, but not so much within the core family. The side projected towards you may be a completely different picture which is very confusing since many will see your challenging parent as a lovely person and that’s not likely to be your reality at all.

The NPD person contains and expresses an absolute sense of entitlement. Maybe they need to express how special and unique they are, maybe they become angry when they feel someone doesn’t understand or appreciate them or didn’t value their specialness, maybe they simply make things about themselves and expect others to organise their lives around them, be at their disposal.

Walking away from an NPD parent is a real consideration, sometimes it’s the only way to heal and learn to love ourselves. I didn’t.

I maintained a good distance and limited contact for many years. Eventually, I found a way to get closer, to abate the onslaught, stay calm, ignore or walk away when needed. I learned it’s of no use to try to explain things in the hope they may understand and adjust their behaviour. Totally pointless.

I love my parent and feel sad that they’re trapped by conditions that were never asked for or deserved and they don’t understand any of it. My parent created in me a pleaser and fixer from a young age but I don’t please or fix so much nowadays, thanks to inner child healing. It’s such freedom to no longer carry the drive to have to do that. I can accept other people’s journeys for what they are, including that of my parent, and focus on my own journey, the only one I have the power to change.

Do you have an NPD-type person in your life? Did you have a difficult time with a parent growing up? Are you still struggling? Have you learned to love yourself, through healing from such a dynamic? Have you understood the gifts and opportunities that are open to you? Have you found all the love you need inside yourself, so you don’t need it from your parent anymore?

If this resonates for you, my love and blessings are with you. There are many others sharing this journey, you’re not on your own. Quite often, we live for years without knowing that it’s never been about us. Then, we hear or read something and start to see the whole of our past in a new way that makes sense. It helps to understand, it’s part of the healing. There may be little we can do but understand, yet that, in itself, is the start of healing, not only for ourselves but for previous generations.

Many of us are healing now and our insights are changing the energy of the past too. We are clearing it for our parents and grandparents and their parents too. We are all healing, only some of us consciously, but that’s all it takes.

(Image: “Opening The Box” by Amenet Drago)