Posted in darkness and light, healing, inner child, Inspiration, love, Personal Story, The Truth of our Being

Closing Our Deep Wounds

“The role of the writer is not to say what we can all say but to say what we are unable to say.” – Anais Nin

On this website, I’ve shared a number of deep, personal truths about myself and my life from time to time. Some of those disclosures stayed with me for a while. Was it wise or foolish to speak out? I may have said I was doing it for the healing of others who may resonate with the circumstances but I was also doing it for my own healing.

I realise that what disclosure of intimate truth does is allow me to claim trauma as who I am. I claim it as me, a part of me, it’s my truth and even if it was trauma at the time, now it’s okay. Everything about it is okay, that it happened in the first place is okay.

What was hurting me was not that it happened but that it was hidden away, that what happened remained denied. That’s why I write, why I let it out the box and put my truth, my story out there in the world. And that’s me claiming myself in all my full beauty and magnificence.

When I own it, I am responsible and therefore empowered. I take full responsibility for my actions and truth. I can no longer be hurt because the hurt comes from inside me and it’s something I allow as who I am. All those emotions that weren’t love become love. Love for myself, free from needing love from an outside source. I am loving myself to freedom.

Guilt, resentment, blame, anger, sorrow, all become love. And that love becomes peace. Peace brings stillness, release, acceptance and trust. I’m accepting and healing myself once more.

It’s not an easy thing to do, to speak out about intimate, personal things we don’t normally talk about. It’s certainly not a path for everyone. There are risks and consequences.

Still, how is it that such truths remain hidden to keep the status quo? To perpetuate dysfunctions, damage and abuse? How does society condone so much silence and allow so much to be hidden? Damage is done by silence and power rests with those who ensure we never speak out. It’s uncomfortable to speak out but sometimes, essential that a voice is heard.

Abuse and dysfunction are wounds and trauma being carried from generation to generation. There are no abusers on one level, only people carrying deep wounds and pain. It’s time to let our wounds’ stories seep out so that they can be cleansed, ready for the wound to be closed for good. And if someone needs to step up, then I will speak for us all.

Posted in Abundance and lack, Energy healing, Full Moon, inner child, Inspiration, love, Personal Story

Embracing Abundance at the Full Moon

Abundance is something I’ve looked into and worked with energetically many times over the years. I’ve been trying to connect with that energy and invite it fully into my life.

Like secretly eating donuts when you’re trying to lose weight, I’ve been working against myself, sensing deep down that the fear of lack is still underlying.

It’s a difficult one to shake. My mother grew up during rationing with a strong tendency towards frugality, carrying her own lack consciousness wounds. She portioned out every meal, sparsely and carefully, for the family and it was never acceptable to help yourself from the fridge or cupboards, take seconds or refuse to eat everything on your plate. I was the youngest in the family and always received the smallest portions.

Everything was hand-made, toys and clothes, DIY was king and it was all about make-do and mend. My clothes were sewn by my mother, my out-of-fashion school uniform made me an easy target. The sense of material lack, lack of love and lack of emotional connection were tangible in every moment throughout my childhood.

My mother often expressed, sometimes hysterically, fears that we were poor and how she couldn’t cope with it all, now I know we were not as poor as all that. As a little child it scared me and I felt a heavy burden upon me when she spoke like that, a feeling I still remember now. It’s as though my little self translated it as, “we’re going to die!” It felt like she was giving me that burden, she was and I took it.

I don’t think my childhood was that unusual, we all have experiences of lack growing up. When material things and love are both scarce, the two easily become intertwined. So it is my current wounds relate to early traumas about not feeling wanted, loved or valued. That’s the healing I’ve been working on for years.

I’ve come a long, long way. It feels like I’ve cleaned the house and now I’ve just got to hoover up the last bits of mess, left over from all that hard work. But boy, are those sticky bits of mess difficult to vacuum up. If you read my posts you will know that inner child healing has been a game-changer for me, really helping me to shift a lot of stuck patterns and heal early life traumas. And sometimes, one twenty minute healing has changed so much. But when it comes to lack consciousness, I just keep going over and over it with the healing and yet, it’s still there. There’s just so much of it, so many trauma moments from my young selves, such fixed beliefs and patterns of behaviour that it’s like wading through treacle. I know I’m making a difference, finding and healing child after child who are carrying this energy, but there are so many of them!

Lack is deep, sometimes too deep to see. It’s not being good enough, not being worthy, not receiving the love we crave, it’s never feeling full up or complete, like having a hole inside you that cannot be filled, no matter what you do.

Its presence appears in desperately seeking or craving to be loved, engaging in addictions like alcohol, drugs, food or sex. It’s a panic feeling that surfaces when there’s any kind of possibility of not getting enough of anything, whether food, time, money or attention.

Lack of love can materialise as entanglements within relationships, when we are looking for the love we crave but are matching with the wrong energy, finding someone that fits the dysfunctional energy from our past. It never works and there’s only one answer, find that love inside ourselves. But when we carry a hidden wound, it’s not easy to give up the deeply held hope and desire to find the love of our life, the one who fulfils all our dreams and doesn’t hurt us.

I fear, literally fear not getting enough to eat, even when I over-eat, fear I’ll go hungry before my next meal, when that’s simply not possible. I fear that I don’t have enough money to live off, to get me through to my state pension. I even fear that I’m wasting time, that there’s never enough time in the day and I’m not using it wisely. Of course, these fears are always there but they’re not always activated, so there are lots of times I feel huge gratitude and great abundance in my life. But deep down, there’s a part of me that can’t completely buy into that and it’s the part of me that was hurt so much by lack of love throughout childhood.

So, what am I doing about it? Well, today it’s full moon and I’ve been making it my focus all day. I’m celebrating the full moon and her beautiful energies of increase, manifestation and abundance by embracing abundance consciously all day long.

I often bless my food and give gratitude before I eat and today I’m doing this for everything that goes into my body.

I’m having a little fire ceremony to release all that no longer serves me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, calling my guides, soul and soul group to help. This will make room for more abundance.

I’m making a candle spell for increase of all harmonious energies in my life, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.

I’m creating full moon water and drinking it with intention to receive the moon’s blessings of increase and abundance.

I’m drawing down all that is ready to come into my life now and calling in all that my heart is choosing.

I’m working with inner child healing, looking for wound energy trapped within my body related to that little inner child who carried the burdens of lack from her mother.

I’m spending time with my shadow self, my cosmic double who holds all the unresolved energies and offering to transform energies of lack into abundance.

I’m being conscious of abundance all day, starting and ending the day with prayers of gratitude and really feeling the power of gratitude. I’m taking my time, feeling no pressure, putting aside thoughts or feelings that I need to be doing something else.

And I’m sending you many blessings this full moon!