Posted in inner child, Inspiration, love

Feeling Hurt

Epiktetos, a Greek philosopher who lived from 50AD to 135AD once said:

“Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation. You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be.“

How are we complicit when someone hurts us?

In what ways do we enable the other person to influence us thus?

Where is the hurt we feel coming from?

It cannot happen without our consent and our emotional response is the soul agreement we have with the other.

Their words or actions activate something that already exists inside us and then we feel hurt.

We created that, not them. Because we carry the potential to be hurt.

We are receiving an opportunity to perceive the hurt we are carrying.

It’s only when a belief we are carrying that isn’t true changes that the patterns change.

The belief is very old and very deep. It’s absolute and so deep we may not realise it’s there.

Hurt is the signal that alerts us to the presence of a false belief within us.

It’s our inner child that’s hurting.

What does our inner child need that’s missing?

To be loved, to be seen, to be heard, to be acknowledged, to know that they are truly worthy.

So you see, when someone hurts us it’s a gift, a chance to meet our hurt inner child and remind them they are loved, heard, seen, valued and so, so worthy.

Image: “Understanding My Hurt Feelings” by Ananda Amenet Reid

Posted in inner child, Personal Story, spiritual skills and techniques

The Wound

The wound (or wounds, I’m going to call it singular but it usually isn’t) that we carry are given to us by another wounded person, usually a key intimate care giver, like a parent.  They are generally received before the age of seven when we are developing our cognitive abilities and shaping who we are and the world we live in.  The wound is generational, it came to us through a chain of abuse and nobody, nobody is to blame.  There is no blame here, only sadness and hurt and fear.  So, when we are ready to realise and start working with the wound, it helps to do so from the position that the person who gave it to us was a victim like us.  And when we heal it in ourselves, we are also healing them and everybody down the line. 

The most important point to make is that the wound has nothing to do with us, it’s not ours, never was, it is not ours to own and the same applies to the person who gave it us.  And yet, we own it, become it and express it throughout our lives, causing ourselves much pain and suffering and usually pain and suffering that we pass on to others.  Unless we realise and change things.

That we are carrying a wound is entirely acceptable for us because our soul chose this.  We chose to carry this wound so we could learn and heal.  My wound is teaching me about the nature of love, especially self-love, and I can’t learn about love from only receiving love, I need to also experience the opposite, the complete absence of love, in order to fully understand it.  I’ve been learning about the nature of love for many lives and this time, I’ve been learning from a place of scarcity.  What I have learned is that I am love.  Even when there is literally nobody in my life at all that is giving me love, showing love to me, as was the case in my childhood, I am love and there is an infinite abundance of love existing inside of me all the time.  Actually, I did see love in my childhood but it was a warped kind of love, sometimes worse than no love at all.  Sounds like a horrible thing to choose, a horrible way to learn, and it was, one that even took me to contemplate taking my life as a teenager, but I didn’t.  I was too strong, too much in touch with the love from within me.  And now I see it all, now I know and love is my foundation.  I embrace and express a beautiful love when I’m not coming from my wound.  I am learning every day to differentiate and choose love.     

One of the most profound natures of the wound is that we refuse to accept it is there.  The wound itself causes us to refuse to accept that we are wounded at all.  To be wounded would mean we are not special, not healed, not love, not perfect.  The wound wants to hide to survive and it does so by telling us both that we are all these things, and therefore not wounded, and that we are none of these things.  Deep down, sometimes only at an unconscious level, but one that seeps out into everything we are and do, we feel that we are not special, we are not love, we are not perfect, we are not healed.  But up close and consciously, we insist that we are all of those things to avoid facing the pain and hurt from our childhood trauma.  And thus, the wound hides itself and gets to live and thrive.  Actually, we are always healed, love, special and perfect, yes perfect, we are always perfect.  And the wound is never us, never who we are.   

Once we see the wound and are not afraid to admit it’s there, we can start to heal.  We are expressing the wound when we come from a place of hurt, when we are defensive, attacking, controlling, on the back foot.  We are reactive from the wound, we lash out without thinking things through.  We are emotional, we personalise, we blame. 

What happens is, something triggers our wound, it is always something that is connected to the dynamic of trauma and abuse that we experienced as a child with the person who gave it us.  Maybe we were criticised, blamed, shamed, usually many, many times, maybe every day.  Maybe we were refused love and affection, never good enough, maybe we were punished for being ourselves.  Whatever those conditions were for us, they created powerful, absolute beliefs in our tiny child mind; “I am not good enough”, “I am not lovable”, “Everybody leaves me”, “I am on my own”, “Nobody can be trusted”.  We may each be carrying many of these beliefs and each one connects to a trauma, a wound.  When we are living our life as an adult, some situation, something someone says to us suddenly triggers one of those beliefs and the voice of the wound comes out.  We express using words that came from our wounded child.  Those words and actions are not ours and we need not own them, they belong to the person who gave us the wound in the first place, it’s their voice speaking, not ours.  We never need to apologise for our words when we feel vulnerable, attacked, defensive or hurt, it’s not our voice, it’s the wound’s voice.  My calm voice that comes from my place of healing and love will never say those things to anyone.  And it’s quite a contrast, those two voices.  One can be nasty, it expresses an absence of love and the other is our loving, compassionate voice.  We’re the loving one, in case you’re not sure.  We are not the nasty voice, even though it speaks out of our mouths sometimes.  We never own it because it was foisted upon us when we were little, innocent children and it was never ours to own.  It never belonged to us, it was never for us and it was never about us.      

Neither should we have to apologise for being the recipient of such a damaging wound when we were innocent children.  Nowadays, when the wound’s voice comes out, we are quite often not aware, at least not at first, only if we have insight.  It is nothing to do with us how another person responds to our hurt voice.  The way they respond is not our problem and they don’t have to receive it.  A healthy person won’t, but we might attract someone who reflects our voice back to us so we can learn, and they will receive it.  If they do, if they feel hurt, then that hurt is already inside them, not really coming from us, our comment has triggered their wound inside them, which can be a gift to them, giving them a chance to see their hurt and find the wound and change things.  And if we receive somebody’s words and feel hurt, it is not our fault, it is the damage we carry that is our problem, not their words.  We have another opportunity to notice the voice of the wound, that our words are coming from hurt and are reactive.  We have a chance to let that go and instead, find our loving place of peace inside that is coming from healing and speak to them from there instead.  So, we can say thank you for the gift of healing, but we do not need to say sorry, for to do so is to own that which is not ours to own.

Here is a link to a healing meditation for dissolving the inner child wound.  Scroll down, you will find it at the lower half of the post. 

Posted in inner child, Personal Story, spiritual skills and techniques

The Cycle of Hurt – Healing – Hurt – Healing

Sometimes we are called to write our posts as messages to others, but they are really to ourselves, to properly hear ourselves, which can be a healing thing to do.  And this is a part of a stream, you could say a sequel, to one written by someone else about me.  I’m assuming they won’t read this, they have decided to let go and move on now, so this is for me to share with you, reader. I share this because I feel in my heart there are so many of us going through similar conditions and being called to inner child healing. 

I got in touch with someone very dear to me over New Year and wished to let them know they were in my heart and mind.  It was a sweet and yet sad but brief exchange for me.  A few weeks later and I found out, through a post, that my dear one was hurt by the contact, partly because of me, partly because it brought up old wounds that I triggered that were not about me.

I got back in touch with my dear one to mend the hurt and ensure that understanding was reached for us both.  I opened up my heart again and offered to reconnect.  This time, it was she who walked away and now I am the one who is managing my hurt through writing. My hurt also comes from a wound from the past, but also from the certain loss of one I love so dearly. 

You see, I had walked away from our relationship previously, in part because I could see that we were hurting each other without meaning to, triggering deep wounds from our childhoods.  I am a retired psychological therapist, a clinical manager, and this is my specialist subject. Even so, I refused to see it for a while, and when I did, denied it for a while longer, and then tried to fight it and eventually bargained with it until I had no other option but to face it. Once I faced it, I thought I had been led here to be the redeemer, that I was ideally placed to make a difference, but eventually realised I was not there for that. We were a gift to each other in the way we came together as two wounded humans to help each other heal as equals and release what was never our truth, but was instead the received wounds of a wounded other, given to us before the age of seven when our cognitive abilities were still developing.  My dear one is yet to uncover that her deepest wound, like mine, is the mother wound, pre-dating the traumatic event she is aware of. We really did come together to be a mirror for each other and I hope we both learned all we needed before this point of departure.

I, for my part, have been healing my inner child and when I asked my guides, they told me I had 44 inner child wounds.  I have been told the hardest wound to heal is the one we receive in the womb.  I was the unwanted pregnancy of a sixteen year old girl in 1960, the result of an unwise casual dalliance.  Her Victorian parents persecuted her relentlessly for her actions, accusing her of making them both ill and indeed, they did become ill.  When one died, she was blamed for their death.  Her parents had been mortified about what their neighbours and family would think of them.  My birth mother received an offer of marriage from her new boyfriend, not my father, and the chance to keep me as their child, but she refused.  She didn’t want me then and she didn’t want me when I tracked her down in my early forties.  I grew as a foetus in a stew of whatever difficult emotions she faced, I knew from my contact with her that the reason she didn’t want to know me was because of the trauma that I rekindled. 

I went to live with a new family where fear was my constant companion. Emotional neglect, psychological and sexual abuse created many traumas for me, but mostly it was the ever-present, not feeling loved and being criticised daily.  It wears away at you. 

I know I’m not alone and many of us are carrying childhood traumas and their wounds.  A way to heal them is scripted below.  We need to visit and heal each trauma, it requires several visits to our inner children, each one can be healed and placed tenderly in our heart.  When I was told I had 44 to heal, I had already done loads of inner child healing, so maybe I originally had a lot more.  Since then, I’m down to 39, although I also had a mass inner child healing event recently, so maybe I’m down to much less.  When I notice a trigger situation and it’s accompanying behaviour come up, I visit another inner child and heal her. 

When I walked away from my dear one I realised I couldn’t help her heal in person, the only way I could do so was by working in the energetic at a distance.  So, I walked away, to protect us both, despite the deep desire I carried to remain with her.  To do so hurt more than I can say.  Despite this, I always hoped that one day we would be able get together again, healed and whole, reconnecting with the most amazing and deep purity of beauty, joy and love we once had together, she brought me by far the most wonderful of any relationship I have ever known, hurt and pain aside, what a ride of highs and lows it was. Today, I face the knowledge we won’t be back together again, this time for good, we are both going to try and let go and find a life apart.  And my heart feels broken again, like I have lost a piece of my soul.  Time for another healing. 

Here is a script you can use for healing your inner children.  I’ve found this method can be used for other types of trauma healing, I’ve used it to heal a past life with my dear one where a trauma of separation was kindled between us and played out for me in this incarnation, and now is healed. It’s from an expert in the field, Jen Peters.  You can visit her website here Jen Peters – Returning you to your True Essence (jen-peters.com) where you will find a free video version of this healing:-

In meditation, bring to mind a moment when you felt lost, confused, maybe abandoned, rejected.

Notice whereabout in the body that you become emotionally triggered.

Focus on the most strong emotional charge, if more than one place.  That is where the trauma has been trapped.

How does it feel physically?

Go deeper, what feelings and emotions are sitting in that part of your body?

Are there any other emotions sitting in there, in deeper layers?

Go deeper, dive into those emotions and physical feelings and notice a younger part of you that is sitting in that part of your body.  Connect with them now.

If you don’t see or sense your inner child there, then allow your imagination to bring that vision forward for you.

Notice how is this inner child feeling?

Is there more?

Now go in to your inner child, perhaps pick them up, sit down with them, make eye contact and let them know you are here now, you see them and that they are safe.

Recall what you noticed they were feeling before and reflect that back to them and remind them that you are here now and will always be here to love them and keep them safe.

Now it’s time to give them a voice, say to them, “I know you’ve got some really important stuff you want to say, please feel free to share that with me now.”

With that information, mirror that back to them with the reassurances that they need, that they are loved, safe and you are with them now.

Explain in your own words to them that how they are feeling is not about them and is not their fault, that others have passed on their own wounds to them.

Ask them what beliefs have they formed in response to this trauma?

Depending on what they say, mirror that back to them whilst letting them know it’s not true and remind them that they are loved and safe now.

Ask them again if there are any other beliefs they might have.

Once again, play the beliefs back to them with the reassurance that those beliefs are not true and give them specific reassurance that they are more than enough and always have been.

Ask them what patterns of behaviour have they formed, that they play out as a response to this trauma?

Depending what that pattern is, play it back to them and let them know it’s time to let that pattern go.  Let them know that they don’t need to do that to keep themself safe because you are going to keep them safe now, whatever they do.

Ask are there any further patterns that they are playing out?

Once again, replay the patterns and that they don’t need to do them anymore, that you are always going to be there to love them and keep them safe.

You may have noticed a shift in how your little one is feeling now, they are probably more peaceful and maybe sleepy.

So now, look them in the face and tell them that you will always be present for them, to love them and protect them now.  To nurture and care for them and never ever abandon them and that you are really proud of the little girl/boy that they are.

Let us bring in healing energy for them and visualise violet light completely immersing them that will dissolve away their wound.

You are holding a quartz crystal now that has a rainbow of light coming from it and so place that crystal into your body in the place where you first noticed the trauma coalescing when you started. And also place a golden drop of divinity there to intensify the healing.  The rainbow quartz is filled with templates and codes, with geometry and activations that will be specific to you and your needs.

Notice the rainbows starting to radiate out and surround and immerse through your inner child’s little body and also the gold, all the way out to the energy field. 

Now we are going to bring in some unconditional love, so placing some soft pink right into the centre, radiating out with the rainbows and the gold, see it radiate out until your inner child is wrapped up inside a bubble of beautiful gold light, rainbows and softest pink unconditional love.

Notice that they are going to sleep now or are really relaxed.

Now shrink them down to the size of a tennis ball, inside the beautiful ball of light, all wrapped up.

If there is anything else you would like to say to them now, go ahead and do that, but include letting them know that you are now going to bring them home to you, where you will always love them, always nurture them and always care for them and just pop them into your heart, still wrapped up.

If there is anything else you would like to say, just say that to them now.

Beautiful, you’ve done an amazing job.

Now take a little peak at the original scenario that you started with and see how that feels now.

We can have numerous inner children, each one of them holds on to one theme of distortion with its patterns and beliefs.  You can do this exercise with each inner child that is holding a different theme or belief which is currently holding your adult life to hostage.

By doing this, you will be able to collect and dissolve each trauma or wound, which is really powerful and beautiful work because you are literally loving yourself back to wholeness.  You are becoming the source for what those wounded parts of you didn’t get as a child and are still reaching out to others for.  You are now becoming the source for that.