When something unpleasant comes up, what do you do? Do you hold it inside to avoid creating unpleasantness for others? Or do you express your feelings and go through that unpleasantness in order to work it out and clear the air? And what if you get caught up with the other person in a whole world of hurt and recrimination? What if you can’t work it out together?
I recently found myself in this position, we do, from time to time. I went through all my hurt feelings, explored the dialogues I might have with the other and finally saw that my hurt was coming from inside me, not from the actions of others but from what those actions brought up in me.
What was the learning here?
Sometimes, it’s as though someone is purposely trying to push our buttons, creating drama and trouble. Even so, our reaction is down to us. How do we show strength, so not to be a push-over, and yet, rise above it?
I asked for guidance, helping me to see the underlying message for me. I realised old hurts were being triggered. I realised I had choices, that new directions were possible. Still, I didn’t know if I was going to say anything to the other person. It would take a little time for the feelings to resolve within me. Sometimes, I was calm about it, sometimes the feelings would rise up. I noticed that when I’m calm about it, the problem’s no longer there.
It’s always a good idea to stay with those feelings for a while, because they shift through a process of change and a day or two later, we might not feel the same. Sometimes, we need to talk about it, no matter how painful it may be. Sometimes, we don’t.
I found that the message and healing for me was the realisation that this is igniting a journey of transformation inside me. To remain in a place of connection, not fear, for hurt is a form of fear. This was an opportunity for me to turn within and reconnect with the light within my being, and just like that, I was reminded of a moment, two years ago, when the light flooded through my being like a cascade of the deepest, most incredible love and enlightenment. I knew that moment was with me still, once experienced, never lost, and here was a reminder to open to it again and embrace that light within.
At the time, a friend who witnessed my enlightening experience gave me this poem which I share with you now. It’s a reminder that, even if we don’t hold onto those powerful moments of growth, even if we plunge into darkness again, we don’t lose the moment. It’s called ‘Annunciation’ by Marie Howe:-
Even if I don’t see it again — nor ever feel it
I know it is — and that if once it hailed me
it ever does–
And so it is myself I want to turn in that direction
not as toward a place, but it was a tilting
as one turns a mirror to flash the light to where
it isn’t — I was blinded like that — and swam
in what shone at me
only able to endure it by being no one and so specifically myself I thought I’d die
from being loved like that.
(Image: “Turbulent Waters” by Amenet Drago)