Posted in healing, inner child, Personal Story

Growing Up With a Box Full of Darkness

“Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver

Are you someone who grew up having a difficult relationship with a parent? 

It can be a tough experience to grow, from womb to adulthood and beyond, trying to make sense of oneself and the world. And then add in to that a parent or parents who don’t see, hear or acknowledge that we matter, let us know that we are loved and worthy.

Worst still, maybe you lived with a parent or parents who criticised, judged, manipulated, controlled, demanded, abused, denied, hated or gaslighted. Maybe there was alcohol, drugs, absence, divorce, violence, abuse…

There are parents that aren’t able to be loving and affirming because it wasn’t there for them. It wasn’t modelled or experienced when they were growing up. They had difficulties with their own parents that led to not feeling loved or worth much. That’s not to say that a child who had a dysfunctional parent grew up to be dysfunctional themselves. Sometimes, the child becomes the healer of the entire generational family trauma. Sometimes, dysfunction is the starting point for such a journey.

Nothing said here is intended as criticism or judgement. There are few more unfortunate circumstances than a person becoming disordered in their personality because it happens during the earliest years of childhood. I feel sad for every one of us that’s subject to such a life story.

One of the most complicated labels is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A person with NPD has little or no chance of understanding or accepting that they have this disorder and even if they do, it’s almost impossible to commit to treatment that could help them unpick it, because to do so would go against the absolute need to deny their wound is there.

When an NPD parent brings up a child, undoubtedly it means that the child experiences some shocking deficits that would impact their life. They may need to walk away. Maybe they stay. Either way is difficult.

A parent with NPD would find it difficult to show genuine love, empathy, compassion or gratitude. They may say they understand you, love you or are grateful, but over time, you realise they’re hollow words that are not backed up.

Almost everything revolves around the NPD person, leads back to them and their needs, worries or affairs, although they may be skilled at making it look otherwise. Truth is, they live for drama and their life is often chaotic and complicated as they draw drama around them.

An NPD parent will usually have a charming and highly social persona so that others think they’re fun, charming people. They may be overly affectionate, a ‘talk-to-anybody’ kind of person. They are charismatic, often successful people. As their child, you will see this side being demonstrated, but not so much within the core family. The side projected towards you may be a completely different picture which is very confusing since many will see your challenging parent as a lovely person and that’s not likely to be your reality at all.

The NPD person contains and expresses an absolute sense of entitlement. Maybe they need to express how special and unique they are, maybe they become angry when they feel someone doesn’t understand or appreciate them or didn’t value their specialness, maybe they simply make things about themselves and expect others to organise their lives around them, be at their disposal.

Walking away from an NPD parent is a real consideration, sometimes it’s the only way to heal and learn to love ourselves. I didn’t.

I maintained a good distance and limited contact for many years. Eventually, I found a way to get closer, to abate the onslaught, stay calm, ignore or walk away when needed. I learned it’s of no use to try to explain things in the hope they may understand and adjust their behaviour. Totally pointless.

I love my parent and feel sad that they’re trapped by conditions that were never asked for or deserved and they don’t understand any of it. My parent created in me a pleaser and fixer from a young age but I don’t please or fix so much nowadays, thanks to inner child healing. It’s such freedom to no longer carry the drive to have to do that. I can accept other people’s journeys for what they are, including that of my parent, and focus on my own journey, the only one I have the power to change.

Do you have an NPD-type person in your life? Did you have a difficult time with a parent growing up? Are you still struggling? Have you learned to love yourself, through healing from such a dynamic? Have you understood the gifts and opportunities that are open to you? Have you found all the love you need inside yourself, so you don’t need it from your parent anymore?

If this resonates for you, my love and blessings are with you. There are many others sharing this journey, you’re not on your own. Quite often, we live for years without knowing that it’s never been about us. Then, we hear or read something and start to see the whole of our past in a new way that makes sense. It helps to understand, it’s part of the healing. There may be little we can do but understand, yet that, in itself, is the start of healing, not only for ourselves but for previous generations.

Many of us are healing now and our insights are changing the energy of the past too. We are clearing it for our parents and grandparents and their parents too. We are all healing, only some of us consciously, but that’s all it takes.

(Image: “Opening The Box” by Amenet Drago)

Posted in darkness and light, healing, Inspiration, love, oneness, sovereignty, The Truth of our Being, transformation

Stepping Away to Reconnect

When we wish to connect deeper with someone or a situation or idea, it often helps if first we step away to go deeper into ourselves.

In stepping away, we go within and find the light within ourselves and then we reconnect from a more meaningful and profound place.

Many of us are finding ourselves almost forced into an isolated world, separated from others more than ever. The reason this is becoming our soul journey is to make sure we go within and find our inner peace and learn to unconditionally and unashamedly love ourselves wholly.

Then, we heal, we realise that we are not meant to remain alone, that humanity is a collective. We are ready to understand, from a place of inner peace and love that we are nothing without each other. From that place of inner peace and self love, we reconnect.

(‘Waterfall at Tresaith beach, Ceredigion, Wales’ photo by Amenet Drago)

Posted in inner child, Inspiration, love

The Ebb and Flow of Relationships and Learning to Love Oneself

People come and go.

We are souls connecting with each other.

We bring gifts.

Sometimes those gifts look like trouble and sometimes they are tremendous joys.

When the soul contract we have with each other is fulfilled, we can let go of each other and sometimes it’s necessary that we do so for each other’s growth.

It can feel difficult to let go.

The most important people in our life may become strangers overnight.

Just as total strangers may become the most important people overnight.

It can hurt, and the hurt is showing us what’s missing inside ourselves.

We are learning to let go, accept change, see the movement of people through our life as a refresh.

You will find the right people for you, for each moment you exist in.

You are changing and so the people who walk alongside you will also change.

They appear in your life when you accept the flow of change.

If we once experienced rejection, whether physical or emotional, we learn to fear being rejected again.

We may push others away before they can reject us.

We may not realise we are creating conditions that will make them leave us.

Then, we say, “I knew they would leave me all along,” as we place the blame squarely with them, never realising how our own actions brought it about.

And if we are the ones that walk away, did we let them go because we were able to look after our own needs or did we reject ourselves in trying to avoid being rejected by them?

Your well-being is more important than what others think of you.

More important than making people happy or settling for an easier life.

You are more important than the expectations others have of you.

Look after yourself.

And if that means letting someone down, possibly upsetting them, don’t hesitate to be kind to you.

Let your love for yourself be stronger than your need to be loved by others.

Posted in inner child, Inspiration, love

Feeling Hurt

Epiktetos, a Greek philosopher who lived from 50AD to 135AD once said:

“Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation. You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be.“

How are we complicit when someone hurts us?

In what ways do we enable the other person to influence us thus?

Where is the hurt we feel coming from?

It cannot happen without our consent and our emotional response is the soul agreement we have with the other.

Their words or actions activate something that already exists inside us and then we feel hurt.

We created that, not them. Because we carry the potential to be hurt.

We are receiving an opportunity to perceive the hurt we are carrying.

It’s only when a belief we are carrying that isn’t true changes that the patterns change.

The belief is very old and very deep. It’s absolute and so deep we may not realise it’s there.

Hurt is the signal that alerts us to the presence of a false belief within us.

It’s our inner child that’s hurting.

What does our inner child need that’s missing?

To be loved, to be seen, to be heard, to be acknowledged, to know that they are truly worthy.

So you see, when someone hurts us it’s a gift, a chance to meet our hurt inner child and remind them they are loved, heard, seen, valued and so, so worthy.

Image: “Understanding My Hurt Feelings” by Ananda Amenet Reid

Posted in healing, inner child, love

Nothing To Do: A Secret To Living a Fuller Life

I’ve just hit a pause.  And, oh, that pause is rich, it is deep and it is giving.  Being active, busy, having a full life and stuff to do is great but we need times when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to see.  A pause when we are free to just be.  There can be so much richness going on inside, where it matters, when we have nothing to do! 

And I am so lucky.  I don’t exist in relation to anybody else.  I exist only in relation to myself.  Many would consider that a failing, a loss even.  I can see that and sometimes feel it, but it’s also a wonderful gift.  It means I find silence, stillness and space whenever I need it. 

I don’t have a day job (which doesn’t mean I’m not working or busy).  I don’t live with anybody or have anyone dependent upon me.  Some might think me privileged (I would agree) or self-centred (yes I am, but in the most positive manner, putting one’s self first is critical in learning self-love and self-love is my personal healing journey right now.  It’s only a healed self that can really give freely to others.)

My pause moment is bringing forth such treasures, the kind of learning, intuitions, understanding that doesn’t find the space to grow and form when we’re living a full life.  I’m learning what needs to be acknowledged, what needs to be integrated.  I’m moving forwards in my fulfilment.  I’m receiving clarity and have the chance to make adjustments for my growth. 

Specifically, I’m looking deeply into what has not healed from past losses and rejections, yet again, at a deeper level than before.  Why it is that I desperately feel a need to be loved?  I’m asking what has to heal to find that love from within myself.  I know my soul is calling for a solitary path at this time in my life and I’ve ditched, rejected or removed some key people who surrounded me because their presence in my life was stopping me from loving me. 

At the end of the day, we will continuously search for the love we never received in childhood from outside ourselves.  We will keep looking for that love, entering numerous relationships to do so.  However much we are loved in those relationships, it always comes up short and the original loss will not be assuaged.  That can only be accomplished within ourselves through the love we give ourselves. 

We may try to fill that hole in all sorts of ways, with love, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work.  None of it will truly help, it will pull us further and further to a crisis point where we have no other recourse than to turn to ourselves.  We will have no other options than to heal from inside out.  And finally, we face ourselves.  We go deep and embrace our inner child.  We love our inner child with all our heart and all our truth and all our might. And we acknowledge, heal and integrate the wound that has never left us. We are ready to truly face it and claim it.           

Posted in Energy healing, inner child, Personal Story, spiritual skills and techniques

Healing The Past and the Present

Our wounds, patterns and beliefs start to make sense, once we see our backstory.

Wounds are the result of the beliefs we make and fix, for the most part before the age of seven.

During those early years, we haven’t got a lot of experience of life.  We haven’t developed sophisticated methods of questioning and reasoning.  We live in a very small world, you could say, a bubble.  And the adults we spend most of our time with, our parents (if we haven’t got parents, our significant care-givers) are our priority cues.  We watch and learn, we have to work out who we are, where we fit, who other people are and where they fit and what the world around us is all about.  And we have to learn fast because our survival, physically and emotionally, depends on it.

We don’t have complex mental or emotional skills at that age, so our reactions are instant.  We create beliefs very quickly and then, since beliefs are absolute, they are fixed and we live by them.  We use them as our immediate go-to, in order to protect ourselves in new situations.  We have little flexibility and in our brains, the neurons hardwire those early beliefs for life.  They are not a part of our conscious thought, they are too deep for that, so we don’t even notice the way our beliefs dictate our life.

What beliefs might we learn before the age of seven?  Since, in our little minds, everything is about us, all the patterns and wounds our significant adults, our parents, carry and display are personal.  They are about us.  So, if we are not acknowledged, not seen or heard, not valued or validated, we create beliefs that we are not good enough, not worthy.  Not loved or lovable.  If our parents are absent, either physically or emotionally, we believe that we are on our own, that people leave us, that we are not lovable or good enough.  If we are put down or criticised, we are never good enough.  We give up our self to be what they need us to be in an attempt to find approval, but we never find it because they were never able to give it. We become a pleaser.  If a parent is controlling and dominating, we become dependent, accepting that they make all the decisions, dictate who we are and what happens in our lives.  If a parent is needy, emotionally or physically, we believe we have to solve their problems, carry their burdens.  And so it goes on. 

Those beliefs remain with us and certain situations trigger them for us again and again, and we probably won’t realise it.  When they are triggered, we fall into old patterns.  The patterns are our behaviours, thoughts, emotions belonging to the belief of the little child who first created that belief.  Triggers may be when someone rejects us or leaves us, when we fail at something, when we are criticised, when we become ill, when others seem needy, when we enter a new relationship.  It can be anything that threatens the belief we carry from our younger years.  And we don’t carry one belief, we carry many, so it gets complicated.

Our wounds are the traumas that we experienced that caused us to create a belief that was meant to help us survive.  When we were put down, when we felt unseen.  When we felt unloved, when we were not enough to keep a parent around, maybe our parents separated, maybe a parent was away working.  Any situation that diminished our sense of self up to the age of seven when we didn’t have the skills and sophistication to understand that sometimes, things are not about us and we don’t have to own them.

So, there we are, all of us, carrying within us wounds and beliefs that still, to this day, create patterns and behaviours when they get triggered.  And that keeps us hostage to a past that, not only is not relevant now, it never was.  It was never about us, it was never true, these were the limited understandings of a little child with a limited view of themselves, the world and everybody else. 

But, if we think about our story as we were growing up in those early years, if we think about our parents or other key care-givers, we can see how that happened.  If we know our parents’ backstory, we can see where they were coming from, if we know our grandparents, backstory, we can see the lineage of wounds that have been handed down.  As long as we know their early story and relationship with their parents, we can see it in our friends, we can see it in our partner, we can even see it in our own children. 

There is no shame and no blame here, everyone was subject to a process they could do nothing about.  But there may come a time when we are grown up and notice all this.  We see the patterns and understand the backstory, so we begin to work out the beliefs we carry and the wounds and traumas that created them, when we were little children before the age of seven. 

That is when we can heal.  We heal, not only for ourselves but for our children because they are still seeing how we respond to the world, ourselves and others.  They are still learning from us, always.  Our parents may never see or know about this in themselves, not consciously, but we are able to end the ancestral patterns when they couldn’t.    

I have found, in my healing, that when I notice a pattern and a wound is triggered, that is the time to do some healing.  Perhaps, something someone says hurts me, perhaps it has triggered a ‘not good enough’ wound.  What happens then is I can engage with that hurt and go through all the feelings and thoughts of not being good enough, of blaming the other person, of feeling hurt, maybe becoming distressed, feeling lonely and depressed.  I may shut myself away.  I may over-eat the wrong kind of foods.  I may get involved in an emotional and escalating exchange with my friend.  The thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and behaviours then feed themselves and things can go downhill quickly.  Maybe I notice that this is a pattern that comes up for me from time to time.  So, this time, I’m going to choose to do it differently.  Instead of engaging, I’m going to say to myself, “ah, this is a pattern, I’ve been triggered.”  Then, I will find a quiet space and take 20 minutes to go through a healing.  That’s all it takes to connect with the inner child who created that initial belief and those patterns.  I listen to that child, validate that child, love and really see and hear that child, heal that child and reintegrate that child within my heart space, all in 20 minutes – and we are done.  And from then on, that particular belief and those specific patterns will not trigger me. 

So far, I have healed about twenty plus inner children and I have about the same number again of wounded inner children to find, heal and integrate.  But I have come a long way, so many patterns have stopped being triggered and it feels like freedom from bonds that have held me prisoner for all those years.  We all have a different number of wounded inner children, we all have more or less healing work to do, but it’s a life-changer and once you see the difference, and how instant the change is, you will see how beautiful your life was always meant to be.  

Go here for a free inner child healing tool. This is the one that I use because I like working with Jen Peters, but there are more similar therapists and tools to be found online.    

[This is an old photo of me and my niece, Chloe Elgar
Chloe writes about her own ancestral patterns and trauma in her new book, ‘Revealed By Darkness: a psychic memoir’ available from her website. Her book is a catalyst for our own healing as she leads us through her experiences and supports us in looking deeper into our selves.]

Posted in darkness and light, death, Inspiration, love

Why Death is Our Dear Friend

Why do we need to visit death in order to understand life?

Why do we need to experience lack in order to understand abundance?

Why do we need to be abandoned in order to find the love inside ourselves?

Because…

How can we understand the light without knowing darkness?

How can we appreciate sound without comprehending silence?

How can we come to know our blessings unless we have suffered some misfortune?

So it is that misfortune is our wise teacher.

Silence is our welcome guest.

Darkness is our loving guide.

Abandonment is our great gift.

Lack is our secret treasure.

Death is our dear friend.

Posted in death, love, oneness, transformation

Death is Love Teaching Us That We are One

We have such negative ideas about death in our culture.

And, of course, we don’t have to.

The truth is, humanity carries such a deep separation wound.

Separation from the divine,

From the Creator,

From each other,

From ourselves.

And so we fear death.

Because we only see separation

Where it does not exist.

And that can manifest as abandonment

Because we are here to learn and grow.

So, death comes into our lives to teach us.

Abandonment comes forward to teach us.

Rejection comes forward to teach us.

To teach us that we are love,

That we carry all we seek within ourselves.

We are always whole,

We are always divine,

We are always love.

We are never alone,

We are never separate from anything or anyone.

We are never abandoned,

We never were.

Death is here to show us

That we are so much more than our bodies

And we cannot lose anything or anyone

And if we look inside

We will see that there is nothing that is not us.

[Painting called ‘Homo Luminous: The Ascended Human’ by Ananda-Amenet Reid]

Posted in Inspiration, Personal Story

Speaking Our Truth

Today, I am bringing to mind speaking our truth, opening our voice and not swallowing our words.  This subject seems pertinent because last night, the Oprah interview with Harry and Meghan was broadcast in the UK on International Women’s Day, which seemed relevant.  It brought to my mind a number of key issues about the enormity of speaking our truth, how fundamentally difficult that can be and how many fear factors can be stacked up against us, and sometimes the fear factors include that if we don’t speak the truth, new fears are going to be realised.  So, it’s a big issue.

For me personally, it’s only in the last few years that I have found myself able to recognise who I am, enough to know what my truth is and what is the truth of my words.  Partly, I have stuffed it down so deeply in terms of my childhood wounds and traumas that I haven’t been able to value myself enough to even know who I am or what my truth is.  Part of that has been that I haven’t had the permission, as a child, to have a truth, or have a ‘self’, even.  And it’s taken a lot of my adult life to come to the point where I’ve been able to understand and access my truth and find out who I am. 

There have been times when I haven’t been truthful about my boundaries, my needs or myself, because of my fears of other people’s judgements, of what others will say, that I would be incapable of managing the assumed or perceived rejection and the assumed or perceived criticism or judgment. 

Criticism and rejection have been two of the biggest themes of my childhood, into my adult life, because I’ve continued to be held hostage by those traumas and their underlying beliefs, developed at a very young age, including the behaviours I adopted or sought refuge with because of them.  So, knowing what my truth is and speaking my truth has been a big issue for me. 

These days, it’s not a problem, I have now voiced many truths that have been huge in my world and would have previously been impossible, but now they are said with freedom and power.  Some recent examples have been changing my name, telling my mother about my tattoo, something I would have previously hidden rather than face the judgement and criticism.  Another situation is deciding to leave my husband, a big one that I wouldn’t previously have been able to follow through.  All sorts of truths are surfacing in my life now because I have a completely different attitude about who I am.  I haven’t set out to increase the personal power that has given me the strength to uncover and declare my truth, it’s more that it’s unfolded as a part of my spiritual journey, a journey that’s another testament to stepping into my truth and speaking from it. 

I do feel that what Harry and Meghan have unleashed through their interview is to model for many the power of speaking one’s truth and how the value of doing so is much greater than all of the fears and consequences.  For them in particular, they are public figures, they are a part of the British monarchy which some might say is notoriously stuffed down in its truth. 

It’s never wise  to sit on our truth or be more concerned about the look of things, how we will be perceived and judged, those are not the kind of values we should be living by.  Meghan and Harry have blown that out of the water.  They have made themselves targets for being judged, everybody feels they now have a right to have an opinion about all they’ve said.  Personally, I don’t feel inclined towards an opinion, or to judge or question whether or not their words are ‘The Truth’, I don’t think there is a ‘The Truth’ in this or any situation because we’re humans, we all have a filter, every single one of us has a filter and therefore, we can only ever experience our truth, only ever represent our truth, only ever validate our truth, and not the truth.

What Harry and Meghan have done is validated their truth.  It doesn’t mean that the Royal Institution or other members of their family who may wish to have a say in the truth that Harry and Meghan have expressed, that they would or wouldn’t agree with it, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is it’s the truth as they perceive it, and therefore it’s validated, and that’s the case for all of us. 

When we express our truth, it doesn’t matter whether anybody judges or has a different view of the situation, they will do, we all see things from our own perspective and we’re probably never going to be able to fix an objective ‘Truth’, even though that’s what’s attempted in courts of law, I don’t think it’s ever really achieved.  We don’t have to do that, we can just acknowledge each other’s truth, even when it’s different from our own.  In family situations where resolution is taking place, if we uncover, by speaking our truth, that other members of the family see things from a different view, that truth can be accepted, allowed for and encompassed into the whole.  Bringing everything out into the open, speaking from each person’s perspective and viewing the full picture can be illuminating and healing.  To get to that healing place, it first has to come out, even though that can be terrifying. Let’s not be fearful of speaking from our true voice.

Posted in Inspiration, Soul Integration, spiritual skills and techniques

Conversation with my Soul and Ego

Beloved Soul, please help our beloved Ego right now.
Our Ego is struggling with this situation and these conditions and needs to feel our love.
Our Ego needs to know that, together, we have got this.
Let us show our Ego that she is not alone.

Beloved Ego, please accept the help of our Soul.
Our Soul wishes to pour her divine loving presence over and through you.
She sees that you are struggling with troublesome thoughts and feelings right now.
She is ready to oversee the burden for you.

Be at peace, Ego, for we are a multi-faceted, integrated being.
We are one and you will never need to carry everything on your own again.