Posted in Personal Story, The Truth of our Being

Letting Go and Stepping Up

It’s been four months since Andy, my husband, and I separated and I feel it’s time to share this powerfully transformative experience.  We are both still moving through a process of acceptance, of adaptation and grief, we’re not there yet, but we were able to make this profound change in our lives with love in our hearts whilst we supported and cared for each other throughout.  I have to tell you, Andy is an exceptional human being whose big heart has shone like a beacon for me, always.

Andy and I met and recognised each other on a soul level when we were both twenty-one.  It was instant attraction, knowing we were going to grow old together.  We were so close, we had no children and made everything in life something we did together.  For years, we were on the spiritual journey together, but as we got older, I became more and more focused on my energetic path and he, less and less so, until he hardly did anything spiritual anymore.  Three years ago, we retired, each with a completely different plan in mind for retirement.  For some years, it was obvious that we were moving onto different paths, taking different journeys, but also, we were no longer matching each other’s energy or needs.  I was finally growing up and stepping into my personal power, finally ready to step out on my own two feet for the first time in life and Andy, my nurturer, provider and loving protector, was beginning to find himself out of a job.

We were in the process of change and dialogue for several years.  Sometimes strained, sometimes difficult, triggered conversations, but mostly there was love present and an attempt to understand each other.  Finally, the time came in our sixtieth year, having been together thirty-nine years, and I had to call it, knowing without question it was what was needed.  It was so hard because I felt the weight of responsibility and the guilt of being the one who called for it whilst he didn’t want us to go our separate ways.  I held onto the deep feeling that, one day, we would both look back from a future we don’t yet know and see that it has been the best thing for us both.  I truly believe that will prove to be true.     

Then came the day the words were finally said.  There had been many previous conversations but never the finality of saying “this is it”.  We sat down together and I quietly explained what was in my heart.  I put everything together and talked about where I was coming from and the reasons that nothing we had done or could do was going to work.  I called it.  Then, I looked at him and waited for his response.  He told me he understood and could see where I was coming from and if that’s what I needed us to do, then he would support me.  He is, without doubt the most wonderful man with a heart of gold, because deep down inside, he was crying for us. 

That was the start.  There were many months of selling our house, selling off or dividing our possessions, finding and purchasing a new home each.  We supported each other, did everything together.  We went house hunting with each other, helping each other find the best place.  It was six months of transition.  The decision was made but we were still putting all the pieces in place and Andy supported the process hugely, focusing on the practicalities as his way of coping, putting his emotions aside.

But the day we both drove off in separate cars from our joint home to two new houses, one each, we both cried tears of loss and heartache as we drove to our new lives apart. 

Now, settling in, although seventy-seven miles apart, we continue to visit each other, we have remained the best of friends.  And I know how hard he is finding it, how lonely he feels.  How much he feels the loss of our retirement dream.  How much he feels the loss of us, the loss of me.  I wish I could take that away for him.  I trust that in time he will find the life he deserves and the freedom to live it, as I am.     

Posted in Inspiration, spiritual skills and techniques

Who Are We? Where Are We?

Our bodies appear to be our true selves and yet, they are not.  They are simply the shell, the container or casket, through which our energetic light bodies enable a physical experience of the dimensions of reality that exist upon the Earth.  We are the energy.  We are multi-faceted, we exist in many different expressions or aspects of self, even though, at the end of the day, we are only one expression, which is love, a vibration, a frequency, a sound if you will, of love and light, which is the purity of the divine source.  And that pure frequency has the capacity to manifest around itself many facets of being, all of which are energy and one of which is dense enough to coalesce into what we call matter, the solid form that is our body. 

Most of our expression is not physical, it is energy, such as our consciousness, our emotions, our spiritual energy.  Our ego-personality is not physical, it is a mental-emotional expression within the context of our environment.  So, we are complex and we can look at ourselves from numerous perspectives or as the entirety of a multi-faceted expression of being. 

We would benefit from remembering the multiple aspects of who we are when involved in exchanges with others.  Who is present in that argument?  Who is present when those words were said that hurt us?  Who is present during exchanges?  Is it our ego-personality that is receiving this exchange, is it the ego that is expressing what is important to it?  Or perhaps it is the energy that within us is called the observer or the witness.

It is helpful to be aware of where we are, where we position our awareness.  Are we inside ourselves, receiving the energy, or are we outside, as though watching, witnessing an overview?  The observer can step to the side and be as though they are the witness of what is said and what is happening to us.  That allows us to be outside of our sense of self and therefore to not feel judged, attacked or defensive.  In fact, we cannot be hurt when we are not accepting what is given to us, whether through language such as words, body language or the actions or emotions of others.  And of those others, how much are we aware that what they are giving us is about them?  About their truth, their issues, their egos, and nothing at all to do with us. 

Quite often we are not aware, quite often we are not placing ourselves in a state in which we can become aware, because we are too attached, we personalise because we are the person receiving.  And we receive it from a place of “me” – “you are doing this to me”.  And yet, quite often, when we act and when others act, everything that we express, whether with words or in other ways, it is, in fact, nothing to do with the other person, it is entirely about us, coming from inside us.  But we tend not to even notice this, we are so involved with who we are and with our own protection, emotionally, mentally and physically, that we fail to be aware that both ourselves and the other person are doing exactly the same.  Entirely involved with their own sense of self, their own protection, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

It would be a wise learning to be able to notice, during every interchange, every interaction, what is being given to us through the form of energy, through words, expressions, behaviours and emotions that are coming from another person, in dialogue with us.  And to notice how little of that is for us to own, how much of it is really belonging to the person, about the person who is giving it out.  So little is really about us.  There is no blame here, we are all the same.

It’s not always easy to tell, it’s something we need to learn to recognise.  And it’s difficult to learn to become the witness, the observer, to step aside, to notice this exchange happening, so that we can receive it only as an experience that we notice, rather than one that we accept into our energy and own. 

It is worth the effort, the continued awareness and practice, for it changes everything, it frees us.  It allows love to blossom and ego to quieten.  Ego is no longer threatened, has nothing to fight against.  Ego can rest, be at peace, let it go.  And we are learning to become our truth, our soul.  We are learning to expand our sense of being.  Once you see it, it’s so simple, so obvious.  It seems strange that we don’t do this already because it is so healing.  It heals relationships of all kinds.  We are strange, us humans, we can work out how to do so many wonderful things and yet, we cannot work out how to see the truth of ourselves and each other, by looking past the end of our egoic nose.                                                                           

Posted in Inspiration

A Perfect Storm

Do you ever feel that your life is like a storm? Chaotic, tempestuous, catastrophic, disordered, explosive turmoil? Maybe a person or situation in your life is causing this kind of disruption. Perhaps it’s something going on inside you, an eruption from within. It may be the odd moment of mayhem, it may be an all-out raging tornado, tearing your life apart.

What if I told you that even in the midst of the most violent and chaotic storm, everything is unfolding to perfection?  The perfection of what your soul is yearning for. 

Have you ever stood outside amidst a wild storm? Some of us actually go seeking such an experience. Talk about feeling alive, wow, it’s literally electric. Personally, I find it shamanic to experience every kind of weather and a storm, particularly, calls to me. The Wild Storm cannot be denied, it is right there in your face, slapping you. It demands to be experienced. It is a full-body, no-holds barred experience. It lets you know you are alive. You haven’t lived until you have danced in a storm, screamed with the howling wind, drank the lashing rain and relished the metallic taste of the air.

At the centre of the storm is absolute stillness.  From space, a storm moving over the Earth is the most beautiful thing to see.  The centre is as clear and calm as the most perfect summer’s day.  A storm is nature’s way of refreshing itself, cleansing and healing is occurring amidst all that damage and chaos and it’s the same for us.  And when the storm passes, everything is at its greenest, so fresh and cleansed and perfect, the air feels alive and uplifting. 

All too often, when our life is a storm we feel at a loss, we can feel like we’ve been forgotten by the supportive energies of the universe, abandoned.  We are never forgotten, we are never in the wrong place, we are always in our perfection.  It is not our purpose to have a perfect life if perfect means everything is always sunny and lovely and happy and contented and nothing ever goes wrong.  Sad can be perfect.  Anger can be perfect.  Chaos can be perfect.  Perfect is whatever we need, whatever teaches us and heals us, even though it may look like it’s ripping us apart.  Sometimes we need to be ripped apart in order to heal.  Perfect is what uproots our weeds, disrupts our complacency, kicks us up the bum when we need a good bum-kicking.  When the Wild Storm comes into your life, step out into it and howl, dance, cry, rage, scream, run, throw your head back and laugh.  Be the storm, live the storm and find the perfection of this gift. It is given to you because you matter, because you are loved by the universe, because you are worthy of being healed, taught, cleansed and uplifted. Because you are moving in the right direction. This storm is guiding you towards wholeness, towards unconditional love, and that’s a special kind of perfection.