Posted in healing, inner child, Twin Flame

Understanding Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is a complex subject. 

During our formative years, usually from womb to around the age of seven when our neurons are creating networks and we are forming a sense of who we are in the world, we are susceptible to deep emotional wounding. We haven’t gained the resilience to see the bigger picture and we personalise everything from our inner child eyes.

Usually, the emotional wounds hang on not being seen, heard, loved or valued. When those are perceived as not present for us, our inner child is traumatised and it’s as though the moment is forever frozen within us. A belief is formed, such as “I’m not lovable” or “I’m not worthy” and from that moment, our inner child is triggered whenever that belief is activated by any situation.

We don’t have one inner child, we have as many as there were wounds or traumas created. And each inner child is inside us and aware of everything that happens, on the alert for anything that feeds that belief or can fix it. Except it can’t be fixed from outside us, that ship has sailed but our inner child doesn’t realise that. They are constantly searching for what is missing.

Sometimes, we may meet someone who resonates with us because our inner child interlocks with their inner child and they bond. This takes place on a deep subconscious level so we don’t realise it happened. We believe we are consciously deciding and that events are fully within our control, but that’s not the case.

When two inner children bond, it’s the most wonderful experience, like we’ve found somebody who resonates with us so deeply, except the resonance is with the trauma we carry. We feel drawn to them and may fall in love. We may feel like soul mates or twin flames.

Bonded inner children feel seen and understood and that’s a big deal because we may often find that nobody gets us, certainly not as deeply as our new special friend, so we feel especially drawn to them. That’s what trauma bonding is.

Now it gets a bit complicated because there are different types of wounds and we may respond differently, depending on the wounds and beliefs we carry. For instance, a co-dependent may carry the need to be loved and appreciated, so when someone resonates with them, someone who really gets them, someone who is just so open and showing such loving affection, then the inner child is going to soak all that in. The inner child feels so loved, cared for, seen and valued. And the other inner child responds in kind, basically, it’s a love-fest.

All this is sounding lovely. Until the day when one or both of the subconscious inner children begin to realise that the deep wound from early childhood isn’t being fixed. At that point, a new dynamic is created as the child-self continually tries to elicit what it perceives as missing, which is the original trauma. And a cycle begins where everything is going wonderfully and then it all blows up and falls apart. A reconciliation is reached and a cycle of love, blame and reconciliation repeats over and over again. This cycle becomes more demanding and destructive of the relationship over time.

Trauma bonding is, deep down, all about unresolved need. And that need is never going to be resolved through the relationship because it cannot be resolved outside of us. This isn’t the basis for a healthy relationship.

Two needy, wounded and unhealed inner children have connected and sooner or later, as children do, they will push the boundaries. They may test this new love, is it real? They may push away to ensure the other comes back. It’s the need of a wounded part of two unhealed beings. Both are trying to get those needs met but with somebody who has their own needs and can’t help. Neither can yet fully love themselves, so how on earth are they going to truly love anybody else? They can’t, their path needs to be one of self-healing and as long as they’re together, that can never happen because they’re caught up in a dynamic that keeps them tied to need, feeding the need. The dark side of this relationship will always crop up from time to time.

When trauma bonding takes place, there are red flags. We let things slide that should raise our red flags because we’re bonded. We are in denial of the fact that something isn’t right. We keep quiet to keep the peace when the dissonance emerges. It may feel like we see each other so clearly, that we see the others’ faults, we may call them out in the hope they’ll fix things, but they can’t whilst trauma bonded. As we come up against the trauma expressing in each other, we feel like we’re walking on eggshells. At its worst, it can feel like everything’s falling apart, like we’re going crazy, like we don’t know what’s real anymore.

All the time, two beautiful souls are stuck in the dynamic. And their souls brought them together in the first place to address what is ready to be healed. Life is like that, if we don’t see it, life will kick our butt and knock our heads together until we work it out. However hard this journey is, even if two people end up hating each other, this can be seen as an opportunity and a gift to fast-track healing.

Nevertheless, we won’t easily let go of the dream of being with that perfect person we first perceived, the fantasy of who we wanted them to be, thought they were. Sometimes, people are stuck in this dynamic for a long time.

Trauma bonding is often mistaken for a twin flame relationship. Twin flames can go through difficulties with each other because they see the best and worst in each other, like looking in a mirror. They sometimes heal together through the drama. So, trauma bonding and twin flame relationships are easily confused. Even so, with both, quite often the answer is to walk away and do the healing away from each other. All those needs can be met, they can be healed but it’s never going to come from someone else. We heal from within. Sometimes, walking away is the biggest act of love we can give to another, even if they’re never going to appreciate it. And more importantly, it’s the biggest act of love we can give to ourselves.

Posted in darkness and light, love, Poetry

I Am Present

Even if I seem distant,

If I seem quiet,

Know that I am present.

Unconditional love stays at source

And will not follow into darkness.

I am waiting.

Holding the light.

I will not give false platitudes,

But make silent prayers for you.

I place my whole being into the hands of the Creator

And trust that you make space for the Creator within you.

I will stay with the source, loving you as the source loves you.

I will not give the comfort that your wounded child craves,

But my soul glorifies in the presence of your perfect soul.

You may choose what you will,

Wander where you wish,

Even into darkness, confusion, chaos.

I will not move into the abyss with you.

I remain at the place of truth.

Whether or not you see me, whether you hear or feel me,

I am present.

Posted in divine magic, elemental kingdom, Personal Story

Ffion is Coming!

I have made a new friend who makes my heart sing. We met online and our connection was obvious at first encounter, although I should say, even though we both resonated towards each other, it was she who chose to activate our relationship.

Her name is Ffion and she is a mystical, magical, powerful, serene, active and direct Welsh lass. She’s breathtakingly beautiful with long wavy red hair, freckled face and beatific smile.

She’s a witch, heavily into crystals and herbalism and has a cat called Cheetah. Like me, she’s in alignment with the elemental kingdom and I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re the ones responsible for us coming together. She’s decisive, persistent and determined, just as the warrior goddess trains herself to be. And she’s coming to visit me next week, not just to visit, but to stay!

I am so excited, the moment we made a connection, the magic began to flow.  She is a master of transformation and that energy immediately came into my life.  She is going to help me with my own magical work, with my painting and channelling, with creating and facilitating my workshops.  She is going to be present, from now on, in every aspect of my life.

Don’t worry, I will introduce you to her, so stay tuned to meet my wonderful new friend, Ffion.

Posted in darkness and light, death, transformation

The Dance of Life And Death

Sometimes, things end

Sometimes, stuff breaks down

Sometimes, everything falls apart

Whether it’s plans, dreams, hopes,

Whether it’s society, culture, structure,

Whether it’s relationships, career, status.

Whether it’s the lives of the ones we love

Or a complete stranger, or our own life.

It’s transformation

It clears the way for something new.

It’s a death.

And death begets life

Death cleanses

Death heals

Death creates a new beginning.

Do not fear change

Do not forsake what needs to be dissolved.

Do not deny the death of what is ready to transform.

Embrace the process

And let the fresh green shoots grow.

Embrace your truth,

The old ‘you’ dies

The old life is ready to fall by the wayside.

The new is constantly waiting to be born.

Our fear of death is as much about our fear of life, our fear to live.

We fear change and cling to the familiar.

The challenge is often that we are not good enough, we are not worthy,

We cannot step up.

Be brave, beautiful soul, you were made for this constant dance of death and life.

They are always present, whether you fear them or not,

Whether you engage or not.

You are worthy, you always were.

You are worthy to fully engage in truth

And death is truth

Life is truth

They are both beautiful and necessary

You are safe with them, they belong with us.

Surrender, trust, accept, receive.

Posted in Energy healing, inner child, Personal Story

Learning How to Heal From Darkness

The next time my life goes tits up, I will know what it means, I will know what to do about it.  I won’t be found floundering about like a fish on land again. 

‘Tits up’ could mean getting ill with the kind of crazy shit that doesn’t have a label.  For me, that has been chronic fatigue, lack of mental acuity, depression, anxiety.  By ‘crazy shit’ I mean it’s going to be trigger energy from a childhood trauma wound. It could be a relationship, whether in the family, intimate or friendship, something that gets messy, to the extent that it starts to make me out of balance.  It could be a situation, something that overwhelms me.  Any kind of thing that throws me off, that takes me out of my centre, unbalances me, leaves me destabilised and outside my power. 

I remember days like that, I remember days stretching into weeks, months, even years as I fought and railed and didn’t have a clue what was going on.  Those were the days of darkness.

Fortunately, I’ve been out of the darkness for a while now, long enough to feel a sense of stability and settling.  In fact, I would say my personal power and liberation has grown enormously of late.  But what has really changed is I’ve done the healing, which, for me was inner child healing and abandonment healing, and now I look back and see those days completely differently.  I see how my body, mind, emotions, higher self, my soul were literally screaming at me the whole time that something was wrong and I was screaming at them, in despair, as I tried, but failed, to work it out. 

So, if it ever comes back, if I ever hit those kind of days again, I will know what to do.  I will check who is in my life and what kind of energy they are bringing to me.  What am I doing that is not serving me?  Where is the healing I need to attend to?  Yes, those are the questions I will ask myself and I will know how to turn that shit around, straight away.

Posted in Inspiration, spiritual skills and techniques

Who Are We? Where Are We?

Our bodies appear to be our true selves and yet, they are not.  They are simply the shell, the container or casket, through which our energetic light bodies enable a physical experience of the dimensions of reality that exist upon the Earth.  We are the energy.  We are multi-faceted, we exist in many different expressions or aspects of self, even though, at the end of the day, we are only one expression, which is love, a vibration, a frequency, a sound if you will, of love and light, which is the purity of the divine source.  And that pure frequency has the capacity to manifest around itself many facets of being, all of which are energy and one of which is dense enough to coalesce into what we call matter, the solid form that is our body. 

Most of our expression is not physical, it is energy, such as our consciousness, our emotions, our spiritual energy.  Our ego-personality is not physical, it is a mental-emotional expression within the context of our environment.  So, we are complex and we can look at ourselves from numerous perspectives or as the entirety of a multi-faceted expression of being. 

We would benefit from remembering the multiple aspects of who we are when involved in exchanges with others.  Who is present in that argument?  Who is present when those words were said that hurt us?  Who is present during exchanges?  Is it our ego-personality that is receiving this exchange, is it the ego that is expressing what is important to it?  Or perhaps it is the energy that within us is called the observer or the witness.

It is helpful to be aware of where we are, where we position our awareness.  Are we inside ourselves, receiving the energy, or are we outside, as though watching, witnessing an overview?  The observer can step to the side and be as though they are the witness of what is said and what is happening to us.  That allows us to be outside of our sense of self and therefore to not feel judged, attacked or defensive.  In fact, we cannot be hurt when we are not accepting what is given to us, whether through language such as words, body language or the actions or emotions of others.  And of those others, how much are we aware that what they are giving us is about them?  About their truth, their issues, their egos, and nothing at all to do with us. 

Quite often we are not aware, quite often we are not placing ourselves in a state in which we can become aware, because we are too attached, we personalise because we are the person receiving.  And we receive it from a place of “me” – “you are doing this to me”.  And yet, quite often, when we act and when others act, everything that we express, whether with words or in other ways, it is, in fact, nothing to do with the other person, it is entirely about us, coming from inside us.  But we tend not to even notice this, we are so involved with who we are and with our own protection, emotionally, mentally and physically, that we fail to be aware that both ourselves and the other person are doing exactly the same.  Entirely involved with their own sense of self, their own protection, emotionally, mentally and physically. 

It would be a wise learning to be able to notice, during every interchange, every interaction, what is being given to us through the form of energy, through words, expressions, behaviours and emotions that are coming from another person, in dialogue with us.  And to notice how little of that is for us to own, how much of it is really belonging to the person, about the person who is giving it out.  So little is really about us.  There is no blame here, we are all the same.

It’s not always easy to tell, it’s something we need to learn to recognise.  And it’s difficult to learn to become the witness, the observer, to step aside, to notice this exchange happening, so that we can receive it only as an experience that we notice, rather than one that we accept into our energy and own. 

It is worth the effort, the continued awareness and practice, for it changes everything, it frees us.  It allows love to blossom and ego to quieten.  Ego is no longer threatened, has nothing to fight against.  Ego can rest, be at peace, let it go.  And we are learning to become our truth, our soul.  We are learning to expand our sense of being.  Once you see it, it’s so simple, so obvious.  It seems strange that we don’t do this already because it is so healing.  It heals relationships of all kinds.  We are strange, us humans, we can work out how to do so many wonderful things and yet, we cannot work out how to see the truth of ourselves and each other, by looking past the end of our egoic nose.                                                                           

Posted in inner child, Personal Story, spiritual skills and techniques

The Wound

The wound (or wounds, I’m going to call it singular but it usually isn’t) that we carry are given to us by another wounded person, usually a key intimate care giver, like a parent.  They are generally received before the age of seven when we are developing our cognitive abilities and shaping who we are and the world we live in.  The wound is generational, it came to us through a chain of abuse and nobody, nobody is to blame.  There is no blame here, only sadness and hurt and fear.  So, when we are ready to realise and start working with the wound, it helps to do so from the position that the person who gave it to us was a victim like us.  And when we heal it in ourselves, we are also healing them and everybody down the line. 

The most important point to make is that the wound has nothing to do with us, it’s not ours, never was, it is not ours to own and the same applies to the person who gave it us.  And yet, we own it, become it and express it throughout our lives, causing ourselves much pain and suffering and usually pain and suffering that we pass on to others.  Unless we realise and change things.

That we are carrying a wound is entirely acceptable for us because our soul chose this.  We chose to carry this wound so we could learn and heal.  My wound is teaching me about the nature of love, especially self-love, and I can’t learn about love from only receiving love, I need to also experience the opposite, the complete absence of love, in order to fully understand it.  I’ve been learning about the nature of love for many lives and this time, I’ve been learning from a place of scarcity.  What I have learned is that I am love.  Even when there is literally nobody in my life at all that is giving me love, showing love to me, as was the case in my childhood, I am love and there is an infinite abundance of love existing inside of me all the time.  Actually, I did see love in my childhood but it was a warped kind of love, sometimes worse than no love at all.  Sounds like a horrible thing to choose, a horrible way to learn, and it was, one that even took me to contemplate taking my life as a teenager, but I didn’t.  I was too strong, too much in touch with the love from within me.  And now I see it all, now I know and love is my foundation.  I embrace and express a beautiful love when I’m not coming from my wound.  I am learning every day to differentiate and choose love.     

One of the most profound natures of the wound is that we refuse to accept it is there.  The wound itself causes us to refuse to accept that we are wounded at all.  To be wounded would mean we are not special, not healed, not love, not perfect.  The wound wants to hide to survive and it does so by telling us both that we are all these things, and therefore not wounded, and that we are none of these things.  Deep down, sometimes only at an unconscious level, but one that seeps out into everything we are and do, we feel that we are not special, we are not love, we are not perfect, we are not healed.  But up close and consciously, we insist that we are all of those things to avoid facing the pain and hurt from our childhood trauma.  And thus, the wound hides itself and gets to live and thrive.  Actually, we are always healed, love, special and perfect, yes perfect, we are always perfect.  And the wound is never us, never who we are.   

Once we see the wound and are not afraid to admit it’s there, we can start to heal.  We are expressing the wound when we come from a place of hurt, when we are defensive, attacking, controlling, on the back foot.  We are reactive from the wound, we lash out without thinking things through.  We are emotional, we personalise, we blame. 

What happens is, something triggers our wound, it is always something that is connected to the dynamic of trauma and abuse that we experienced as a child with the person who gave it us.  Maybe we were criticised, blamed, shamed, usually many, many times, maybe every day.  Maybe we were refused love and affection, never good enough, maybe we were punished for being ourselves.  Whatever those conditions were for us, they created powerful, absolute beliefs in our tiny child mind; “I am not good enough”, “I am not lovable”, “Everybody leaves me”, “I am on my own”, “Nobody can be trusted”.  We may each be carrying many of these beliefs and each one connects to a trauma, a wound.  When we are living our life as an adult, some situation, something someone says to us suddenly triggers one of those beliefs and the voice of the wound comes out.  We express using words that came from our wounded child.  Those words and actions are not ours and we need not own them, they belong to the person who gave us the wound in the first place, it’s their voice speaking, not ours.  We never need to apologise for our words when we feel vulnerable, attacked, defensive or hurt, it’s not our voice, it’s the wound’s voice.  My calm voice that comes from my place of healing and love will never say those things to anyone.  And it’s quite a contrast, those two voices.  One can be nasty, it expresses an absence of love and the other is our loving, compassionate voice.  We’re the loving one, in case you’re not sure.  We are not the nasty voice, even though it speaks out of our mouths sometimes.  We never own it because it was foisted upon us when we were little, innocent children and it was never ours to own.  It never belonged to us, it was never for us and it was never about us.      

Neither should we have to apologise for being the recipient of such a damaging wound when we were innocent children.  Nowadays, when the wound’s voice comes out, we are quite often not aware, at least not at first, only if we have insight.  It is nothing to do with us how another person responds to our hurt voice.  The way they respond is not our problem and they don’t have to receive it.  A healthy person won’t, but we might attract someone who reflects our voice back to us so we can learn, and they will receive it.  If they do, if they feel hurt, then that hurt is already inside them, not really coming from us, our comment has triggered their wound inside them, which can be a gift to them, giving them a chance to see their hurt and find the wound and change things.  And if we receive somebody’s words and feel hurt, it is not our fault, it is the damage we carry that is our problem, not their words.  We have another opportunity to notice the voice of the wound, that our words are coming from hurt and are reactive.  We have a chance to let that go and instead, find our loving place of peace inside that is coming from healing and speak to them from there instead.  So, we can say thank you for the gift of healing, but we do not need to say sorry, for to do so is to own that which is not ours to own.

Here is a link to a healing meditation for dissolving the inner child wound.  Scroll down, you will find it at the lower half of the post.