Are you aware of your shadow self? We all have one. S/he is the one that comes out when we are triggered by one of those situations that always triggers us. When we feel attacked or judged or criticised or misunderstood by that key person. All of a sudden, we are on auto-pilot. There’s no longer any of that slow, careful thought process, only the pin-point accuracy of absolute knowing that we need to attack back or defend forcefully – NOW!
The key person is always a person that really matters to us, it’s only within their power to take us to this hot place, if it was anybody else we wouldn’t give a damn. But when it’s them, our fundamental self is being threatened. They have to love us, protect us, be good to us. If they attack us or make us feel small, where does that leave us? We are doomed, all our fears are realised.
And there it is. We are in one of those horrifying situations again with one we love dearly, maybe one we love/hate, because we can love and hate a person at the same time.
The shadow self shouts, screams, wails, flails. The shadow self self-destructs, self-sabotages. The shadow self is the wound being expressed, the trauma of that delicate, tiny, innocent, bewildered, perfect inner child that was subject to such shocking attacks and judgement and criticism and misunderstandings themselves, when little more than a toddler.
Do you know your shadow self? Do you know of whom I speak? Do you recognise this part of you? What do you think of her or him? Are you disgusted? Do you love or hate your shadow self?
When s/he comes out, she is in opposition with the one that triggered her. Is that your dear and loving partner? Who is that for you? Maybe a bosom friend, a parent? A daughter or son? And what that does is, more often than not, trigger their shadow self. Now we have two people, usually loving and caring, suddenly at each other’s throats, flinging words like weapons, attempting to throw a killer blow right into the heart of the enemy. You know those times, right? There are more and more of those situations happening these days because we are all bringing everything to the surface. Suddenly you are facing the dark side of your loved one, the one that you cannot reason with, anymore than they can reason with you, at such a time as this.
So much damage. So much hurt. So hard. You cannot accept each other at this time. You hate each other at this time and later, you feel shame and hate yourself, hate your dark side, your shadow self.
You need your loved one to love all of you, you need your loved one to love even your shadow self, but they won’t be able to until they love their own. And you won’t be able to love theirs until you love yours.
Can you do it? Can you see your shadow self in all her darkness and love her? Can you accept her fully? Embrace her? She just wants to be loved, like the rest of you. To be wanted. Can you look into the face of your beloved one’s shadow self and love them?
Next time you find yourself in one of these toxic situations where you are not being your best, remember that it is your wound talking, the wound of a little child that should have been loved, so innocent and undeserving of the trauma they received. How can you not love that part of you? They did nothing wrong, it wasn’t fair that they were hurt so deeply, so young. Please love this part of you. Please see the hurt child in your partner, your loved one. Please find a way to find each other, to hold each other, to heal each other together, even at the worst of times, even when the wound is triggered. You are both so deserving. It was never about you. It’s time to change our fear into love, together.
(Photo courtesy of Huff Post)