Posted in healing, inner child, Twin Flame

Understanding Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is a complex subject. 

During our formative years, usually from womb to around the age of seven when our neurons are creating networks and we are forming a sense of who we are in the world, we are susceptible to deep emotional wounding. We haven’t gained the resilience to see the bigger picture and we personalise everything from our inner child eyes.

Usually, the emotional wounds hang on not being seen, heard, loved or valued. When those are perceived as not present for us, our inner child is traumatised and it’s as though the moment is forever frozen within us. A belief is formed, such as “I’m not lovable” or “I’m not worthy” and from that moment, our inner child is triggered whenever that belief is activated by any situation.

We don’t have one inner child, we have as many as there were wounds or traumas created. And each inner child is inside us and aware of everything that happens, on the alert for anything that feeds that belief or can fix it. Except it can’t be fixed from outside us, that ship has sailed but our inner child doesn’t realise that. They are constantly searching for what is missing.

Sometimes, we may meet someone who resonates with us because our inner child interlocks with their inner child and they bond. This takes place on a deep subconscious level so we don’t realise it happened. We believe we are consciously deciding and that events are fully within our control, but that’s not the case.

When two inner children bond, it’s the most wonderful experience, like we’ve found somebody who resonates with us so deeply, except the resonance is with the trauma we carry. We feel drawn to them and may fall in love. We may feel like soul mates or twin flames.

Bonded inner children feel seen and understood and that’s a big deal because we may often find that nobody gets us, certainly not as deeply as our new special friend, so we feel especially drawn to them. That’s what trauma bonding is.

Now it gets a bit complicated because there are different types of wounds and we may respond differently, depending on the wounds and beliefs we carry. For instance, a co-dependent may carry the need to be loved and appreciated, so when someone resonates with them, someone who really gets them, someone who is just so open and showing such loving affection, then the inner child is going to soak all that in. The inner child feels so loved, cared for, seen and valued. And the other inner child responds in kind, basically, it’s a love-fest.

All this is sounding lovely. Until the day when one or both of the subconscious inner children begin to realise that the deep wound from early childhood isn’t being fixed. At that point, a new dynamic is created as the child-self continually tries to elicit what it perceives as missing, which is the original trauma. And a cycle begins where everything is going wonderfully and then it all blows up and falls apart. A reconciliation is reached and a cycle of love, blame and reconciliation repeats over and over again. This cycle becomes more demanding and destructive of the relationship over time.

Trauma bonding is, deep down, all about unresolved need. And that need is never going to be resolved through the relationship because it cannot be resolved outside of us. This isn’t the basis for a healthy relationship.

Two needy, wounded and unhealed inner children have connected and sooner or later, as children do, they will push the boundaries. They may test this new love, is it real? They may push away to ensure the other comes back. It’s the need of a wounded part of two unhealed beings. Both are trying to get those needs met but with somebody who has their own needs and can’t help. Neither can yet fully love themselves, so how on earth are they going to truly love anybody else? They can’t, their path needs to be one of self-healing and as long as they’re together, that can never happen because they’re caught up in a dynamic that keeps them tied to need, feeding the need. The dark side of this relationship will always crop up from time to time.

When trauma bonding takes place, there are red flags. We let things slide that should raise our red flags because we’re bonded. We are in denial of the fact that something isn’t right. We keep quiet to keep the peace when the dissonance emerges. It may feel like we see each other so clearly, that we see the others’ faults, we may call them out in the hope they’ll fix things, but they can’t whilst trauma bonded. As we come up against the trauma expressing in each other, we feel like we’re walking on eggshells. At its worst, it can feel like everything’s falling apart, like we’re going crazy, like we don’t know what’s real anymore.

All the time, two beautiful souls are stuck in the dynamic. And their souls brought them together in the first place to address what is ready to be healed. Life is like that, if we don’t see it, life will kick our butt and knock our heads together until we work it out. However hard this journey is, even if two people end up hating each other, this can be seen as an opportunity and a gift to fast-track healing.

Nevertheless, we won’t easily let go of the dream of being with that perfect person we first perceived, the fantasy of who we wanted them to be, thought they were. Sometimes, people are stuck in this dynamic for a long time.

Trauma bonding is often mistaken for a twin flame relationship. Twin flames can go through difficulties with each other because they see the best and worst in each other, like looking in a mirror. They sometimes heal together through the drama. So, trauma bonding and twin flame relationships are easily confused. Even so, with both, quite often the answer is to walk away and do the healing away from each other. All those needs can be met, they can be healed but it’s never going to come from someone else. We heal from within. Sometimes, walking away is the biggest act of love we can give to another, even if they’re never going to appreciate it. And more importantly, it’s the biggest act of love we can give to ourselves.

Posted in love, oneness, Soul Integration, Twin Flame

At The Core of Your Soul Sits the Twin Flame

You’ve probably noticed me mention that I’m running a weekly six session course soon on Soul Integration in June. Well, what I’d like to talk about today is the link between that and the twin flame.

You see, the energy that is called twin flame exists inside us in the core of our soul and isn’t activated until we have integrated our soul within our being.  Once we invite our soul to become an active part of our physical being, we are awakening the energy that is called the twin flame.  What that energy is, to be accurate, is the pure divinity within us that is divine feminine and divine masculine energy, and we each contain both. 

When we wake up this energy and begin to access it and even to embrace and embody it, some amazing things start to happen, depending upon where we are on our soul journey. You see, this energy is like a mirror that shows us our true selves. It means when we connect with this energy, we begin to see ourselves anew in many ways, we see the incredible, amazing, magnificent beauty, divinity and truth of ourselves. We also see the dissonance, the ways in which we are expressing ourselves through wounds and dysfunction, rather than love and self-belief. So, if we are carrying fear, lack, hurt, it will be reflected back at us and we become conscious of its presence within us. The mirror works through situations and circumstances that materialise upon our path and also through meeting persons who come into our life to reflect the same back, because we resonate with them, and that may be beautiful and it may be painful and destructive, if we don’t understand the mirror. We are seeing the worst and best of ourselves in them, and them in us, which makes for a tumultuous relationship. And that is where the understanding of the twin flame relationship being so challenging comes from.

When we integrate with our soul, we awaken a part of our core self that brings us into alignment with the truth of our being, which is divinity. The energies that are inside us that are in dissonance with that are activated because it’s on our path to move through them. It allows us to recognise these energies that we had hitherto hidden from ourselves or denied because it was painful to face them. It is painful, I know, but I would rather dive in and go through the valley of despair if it’s the way to find the land of fulfilment and truth.

Remember I said this energy is all about the divine masculine and divine feminine? Well, all this is bringing us to a state of wholeness, completion, that’s what it’s all about. When we integrate with the full spectrum of our soul, our complete soul, we ignite our twin flame energy. When we ignite our twin flame, we ignite the wisdom and abilities of our soul, so it’s a part of the soul integration process. Enlivening our twin flame brings us a surge of power, it’s empowering us. It brings us connection, unity, fulfilment and contentment with ourselves and our life.

Twin flame is not specifically about finding the love of our life and entering the most incredible relationship ever, although it can be that. Really, it’s something that exists inside of us, isn’t it always the case? And yet, this energy can also manifest outwardly as a relationship with another person. It’s really about connection and that connection can be of various kinds. Activating the twin flame connects us with our guides, our soul group and other spiritual energies. We attract our soul tribe into our Earthly lives, so that we can grow and work together for our soul purpose. And that might be a whole bunch of amazing people, soul sisters and brothers with whom we resonate deeply. And yes, if we choose, through the power of manifestation, we can create a person with whom to experience divine union, enabled by our twin flame energy. This relationship may be someone we know, are in relationship with, perhaps a spouse or partner, and we may choose to activate our twin flame with them, thus strengthening and enhancing that relationship, creating new depths never previously imagined. And if you haven’t met that special person yet, yes, your twin flame can draw a person into your life with whom to be your truth, your essence and your soul with them. And that unique relationship may be romantic or companionship, as you choose. When we activate our twin flame, we are activating our divinity and are guided by the divine within us.

Following on from my SOUL INTEGRATION six week course starting on Saturday June 12th, I will be running a workshop to connect and ignite the twin flame energy within. This will be exclusively for those that have completed the Soul Integration, which is necessary to awaken the twin flame.

   (Photo above from Huff Post)