Comfort behaviours were activated last night.
They’ve always been my ways of coping with chronic loneliness.
Chronic loneliness is a hangover from childhood when loneliness was my constant companion.
As a child, I was never alone but always lonely because I didn’t feel seen or heard.
Now, I live in chosen isolation, and it can be awesome.
A place of freedom and empowerment to be me.
I’m not really lonely now, I’m alone and that’s different. I just came out of a socially awesome time and am noticing the difference now everybody has gone, is all.
And that’s a teacher.
And I guess I’m processing the end of my thirty-nine year relationship right now, a reason why I wrote about it in my post ‘Letting Go, Stepping Up’.
I’m finding the space to look at myself and really see who I am without anybody else defining me. I guess you could say I’m learning to own myself.
And I know I can fast-track the emotional fall-out from this process by having a little ceremony and claiming it all, accepting it all.
If you’re going through some personal stuff right now, would you consider taking a moment to have a little ceremony?
And in that ceremony claim it all, accept it all, love it all, love yourself and include everything that’s happening in that. Everything you don’t like, don’t want.
Make it liked and wanted because it’s yours, it’s you and you don’t get to pick and choose if you’re going to love yourself unconditionally.
Instead of picking it apart, mulling it over deep into the night, feeling awful and heading for the fridge like I just did, embrace it.
We go around in circles when we try to understand it intellectually because it’s not intellectual stuff, it’s deep down stuff and has to be embraced at that deep down level.
It’s a shift that takes place inside to get there, to be able to stop trying to make sense of it.
Claiming it, accepting it and loving it is the healing here. I am reminded of some words from Mary Oliver’s poem, ‘Annunciation’:
“And so it is myself I want to turn in that direction
not as towards a place, but it was a tilting
as one turns a mirror to flash the light to where
it isn’t – I was blinded like that – and swam
in what shone at me”
It’s total magic in the biggest sense, in the way that life is magic, everything is magic.
Your ceremony is anything you want it to be, any words or actions you choose.
Make it up from your heart. It can be five minutes or all day. You may light a candle or smudge yourself or you may not. You may burn some words in a flame or break something to represent cutting ties, or not.
Just put your heart into it and allow yourself to be guided. But at some point, say the words with conviction.
And this is what to say. Claim all the stuff that’s going on as a part of who you are and send love to it all, even the ‘bad’ stuff or ‘wrong’ stuff (there is no bad or wrong because there are no judgements here).
Give all your love, give to yourself your unconditional love.
(Unconditional – unpack that word, it means total acceptance.)
Accept your stuff and accept yourself. Completely and totally – now, then step back and watch the magic happen.